im always posting about yearning

I wish I didn’t want physical affection so much, it’s genuinely so painful sometimes. there are only certain people i want it from but it sucks because most of the time they aren’t comfortable with it or it’s the other way around. i don’t like floating in this middle state of being like “why doesn’t anyone want to just cuddle and chill no romance i promise” and “I get it, i wouldn’t want to cuddle with my friend, not because she isn’t cool or anything but i just don’t feel the need” 

theres also the issue of feeling pushy, i get told no? ok cool i respect that, but can I ask again later to see if their opinion changed without seeming forceful? sigh I just wish i didn’t have this bone-deep need to be held or caressed. ik it has to do with my childhood trauma but i don’t exactly have a solution to it so i shall continue to suffer :p