I know (just how you feel)

Seeing through someone else's eyes is truly life changing. Well, at least I try to see from their prospective. I still don't get it, why am I deemed pure in their eyes. To me, I am a sick individual, with horrid thoughts and ideals, and I'm not fit to be a part of someone's world. It's not intrusive either, these aren't unwanted thoughts. I just never "act" on these thoughts anymore because I want to be a good person, I don't want to hurt people close to me anymore. There is no reason for me to manipulate for the fun of it, no reason for me to cause drama, no reason for me to start a fight.

Even after being in recovery, I still don't feel like a pure person. If anything, I see myself worse. Before realizing I had an issue to begin with, I just thought I was a good person, and all the things I do were for my good. I never stopped to think if my actions were bad, nor did I ever stop to think that I was careless for other people's feelings until one too many interventions almost every year. I'm doing better now, I have a support group who watches over my actions to tell me if I'm doing something bad or good. 

They value me as a friend, I don't know why. A lot of people value me and sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach, and I want them to tell me I'm a horrible person so that somehow some divine intervention happens and I could finally "feel" the things my friends feel all the time.

I remember feeling "true" empathy for the first time in many years, and it hurt. My heart hurt so much, it felt like my heart wanted to escape my chest. I didn't know why I felt so much true empathy for this person, because they were a stranger with nothing on their profile. My head just suddenly decided that this person deserved my empathy.

It's a sick feeling, and some days I wish I was completely devoid of it because I hated how I felt. I never wanted to cry so much, I never wanted to do something so much, I never wanted to reach into someone's soul and give it a warm embrace so much. It made me sick, truly. For the first few days, I went to bed with a heavy heart. Even after a few weeks later, I feel compelled to do something because of the horrors they faced. They said it themself. If they heard about anyone else facing the same thing, they'd be horrified.

Even with the negatives I feel, I wanted to feel this feeling even more. It felt so human, it felt like I could finally connected with others. I asked my support group if "this is what they felt everyday," and they reaffirmed that this is what drives their life. Empathy feels cruel, and yet so delicate. I feel unlike myself, hoping that somehow within my wordless messages that this person knows I care for them deeply. I'm conflicted with myself, unsure of what to do. I never felt empathy like this before, usually it was "conditional." 

There had to be certain conditions met for someone to receive my empathy, and it wasn't truly "empathy" in the first place. It was what I thought empathy looked like, because I knew my friends would appreciate me trying to seem empathetic even if it meant nothing to me. However, this was unconditional. There was no reason, but I never felt my heart sink so much in my life. I don't know how my heart knew it, but I don't regret anything.

I relish in the feedback they give me, because it supposedly makes them happy. I would usually hate this sort of attention, but it feels a lot nicer when it's with them. If anything, I desire this attention more now. I changed some aspects of myself I deemed impure because I want to be pure in their eyes. I want to be pure, because it seems like a good thing to them. I don't want to be impure in their eyes ever, I don't know what I'd do if I was impure to them. It makes me happy, knowing they're okay. I feel distressed if they aren't. 

I know this wouldn't last too long, we are strangers on the internet. However, even if it is for a brief moment in my life, I am happy to be a witness to your soul.