Rock bottom

Honestly I don't know what to do or who to ask for help anymore

My life has only been going downhill since I could remember anything

But especially worse these past three years

I've had my ups and downs, I've lived through a lot 

A lot more than I should've

But it's only made me realize

What is the point?

I've spent my entire life barely surviving for what? I have no goal. I don't want to be alive. I have no meaning.

What’s the point? 

The only thing keeping me alive this far has been my self-destructive behaviours 

Being abused and abusing others because it's all I know, because its what makes me whole

The last thing left of what feels like home to me

And I'm tired of it, I feel guilt for it

Not only do I feel bad It just doesn't feel enough for me anymore

I don't know what to do anymore

I don't even know if I want help

I don't want to die but I don't want to live in this cruel mind, cruel body, this cruel world

Two months left

I wonder if I’ll actually commit to it

Or if I’ll beg my mother to lock me away so I can get “better”

We all know someone like me can't ever get better

Let alone recover 

No one will listen to me and I just want to feel heard, I want to be heard

Sadly the only way I ever feel heard is by being brutalized further

Being made worse is what makes me feel better 

Makes me feel heard 

Because then someone knows what I need

What I deserve 

It would've been so much easier to find people to ruin me worse than he did if I was an adult

It’s a shame

The only person who could see me and “help” me was a man a decade older than me

Unable to do what he promised he would do to me

Ruin me

He’s drifting away from me and I'm left alone with my thoughts

I don't want this