Journal #29

I feel as though my writing is missing something. I'm currently working on chapter 7 and beginning chapter 8 of the book I'm writing as the second share for my thesis class is on the 22nd. But I've reached a problem. There are times where I need to call back on the mc's thoughts and rejection of her romantic feelings towards the love interest, but I feel like it's repetitive? Maybe it's supposed to be since thoughts of the like are like a form of self soothing; a cute little lie you tell yourself to convince yourself you're not in love. However I also feel there are things I should and could flesh out but I'm not sure how to go about it so I'm a bit stuck. I think moving on to what I can write during chapter 8 might help churn the wheels on this odd block. 

Lately, I've been moping over how lovely it would be to have writer friends. Someone to show my work to, but it's led me to thinking how I feel about sharing this with the two friends I do have. My boyfriend's not a big reader. He doesn't even keep up with this silly little blog which I don't mind, I get it. He's very busy and I'm sure the last thing he wants to do to unwind is toil emotionally over some story. My other friend lives all the way in another time zone and we don't usually get to talk. Also, she doesn't know I've got experience with, um, let's just say more intimate topics. It's not that I don't trust her, it's just that if I told her, she wouldn't understand. And to those of you thinking "you don't know if you don't try" trust me, I know her, I know how she feels about me and my boyfriend, and I know she wouldn't. I'll tell her someday, believe me, but for now it's a complex situation I've failed to really capture here. 

This harping on a lack of writer friends has further led me down a dangerous spiral of self doubt, despair, and disliking that began a while ago. I can pinpoint to you when, I just know putting it into words would humiliate me to tears. Anyway, this has led me to realize my graduation will be attended by none of my friends and there's no one else to invite either. Those entire three and a half years I failed to make a single friend. The writing club, my last shot, completely stopped emailing me about pulling together the club so I don't think any plans went through. I checked my emails obsessively and nothing. The people I do talk to at school usually do so due to proximity. I'm sure if we didn't sit next to each other they'd never have considered talking to me. I'm just going to be alone and that sucks. That's why I've been so depressed over my ex friend. That's why I've just been despairing over it. Is it even okay to be sad about this? I'm graduating, I'm supposed to be excited, but I feel so distressed and anxious instead. I can't find work. No where I've applied to in the past week has reached back if it wasn't to reject the application. I'd have to work some other part time job (at least) alongside the position I want within my field of study. My dad doesn't consider it a real major. I feel like a failure. 

Ugh. That's not even addressing my completely destroyed confidence in myself as a person, as a woman, because of the origin of this. I feel so drained but I've not done anything. I feel like such a loser. I feel so lonely.