idolizer

okayyy first post on this acc, kinda just ranting + venting/rambling (cw/ sx harassment mention) but I think it's funny how people idolize certain character types and then be completely not okay with these characters irl. Maybe I think it's funny how some people would HAAAATE to see a guy like me, but it's kinda funny. these people love "toxic manipulators" but heaven forbid they meet up with one irl and realize they're completely romanticizing it because in their head it's a hot cute attractive thing but to the people i hurt it was a life altering challenge and it will forever ruin how they talk to people. Rules for me but not for thee, I suppose. It's always been that way, it's always "I like xyz" until it's a guy like me. Idk, I feel like I make it clear that my head is never "good" in most terms, and that I'm putting facades so that I don't "scare" people. Even with my friends, they get so concerned when I reveal my full self. They ask me how do I live thinking about those thoughts every day, I tell them I sleep and pretend I don't think those thoughts for a brief moment, to fool myself and pretend I am a good person.

there's more I would say, but heaven knows I have someone I don't want to know my vulnerabilities looking at my accounts and my mental health has skyrocketed these past few days because I'm a filthy American living in a red state, so my illnesses have peaked and I'm really trying to not put myself in a vulnerable position. thank goodness for (specific mental illness) because i love paranoia and panic attacks (sarcastic, even after 7 years it still dominates my life choices and I live stunted compared to my peers because I am constantly in a state of fear.) 

yk, I thought I was going better and I was so happy earlier this week because my head was finally clear for the first time in my life and I was at bliss. I have never felt happier, clearer. And then boom, America. And then the thoughts came back, and the need to do something, and everything else, and then horrid memories and realizations of my childhood and how people have made me vulnerable, and everything else, and how i hate my body, and everything else, and how I need to be saved, and everything else, and how everyone else needs to be saved, and everything else, and how I'm a tainted person and how I am a dirty person in God's eyes for these these memories in my head and everything else and that I am hurting and everything else and I need to be set free.

It's okay, though. When there are bad days, good days will follow. With all this bad karma, surely something good will happen to me. I made myself a rosary, and I'll use it to keep me safe. I'm finding a lot of signs from god this week. Even if this is punishment for my wrongs, I hope I can make it right. I'm facing hardship but surely this is a test from god, and if I succeed I will be closer to god. I'm so far away, my relationship with the lord surely is corrupted, but I hope I'm bringing myself closer. I can't let him and my friends down, even if I'm not doing okay. If I have made recovery before, I can do it again. 

Sometimes I think I'm going through spiritual psychosis again, it usually happens when i'm at my worst. But I can't tell if it really is and that I'm a horrible disgusting person for wanting to "save" people, or if i'm just a troubled individual hoping that my faith will lead me to clearer plains and that I won't be so distraught anymore. I feel more sane now, but still... I feel shakier than normal, dirtier and impure. I tell myself I need to repent, but it's someone else's sins, someone else's hands on my body. Is it my duty to repent, or is it theirs? I feel disgusting sometimes, I wonder what went through people's heads to think they can touch me like that. This week has just been a whole lot of remembering and a whole lot of thinking, at least I haven't had a major panic attack over it. I still have no clue what triggers my (specific mental illness) even after 7 years. I know it only got diagnosed after I was in a car accident and "I seemed to be shell-shocked for months" and that I "have a thousand yard stare," but a lot of things happened to me before then, and it only came up after it seemed more "prominent." I feel like this might be the reason why I tend to lash out and quickly become offensive and fight, people always thought it was okay to touch me in those places. maybe that's why I'm abstinent, I'm repulsed. I hate knowing people's hands were on me, but I hate knowing that I was vulnerable. 

people put me on a pedestal and say that they look up to me, and it makes me feel awful. I'm a dirty individual, a dirty and sick and disgusting individual who wants to "sacrifice" myself in every means because I don't have an actual self value unless it's bestowed to me by others. I would've loved it years ago, but now I feel like a shell of myself knowing how much I desired attention to the point of self-sabotage. Sometimes it makes me feel angry, but i shouldn't be. To love god with all your heart is to also love your neighbor, I need to be a good person to be saved. I can be saved, someone will save me. I am a good person and i will be saved one day, hopefully. I hope I'm a pure, safe, good person. I'll make some christian jokes and hope I can just laugh my way out of this mental turmoil, making jokes with my (agnostic? he doesn't follow christ anymore) brother and saying I'll grab onto him and my dad when we get raptured. 

This is really just a lot of rambling, but I feel happy knowing I have many support groups and have a community that has always welcomed me. Maybe that's the perk to my "self-sabotage" and I will stay "sane" because people care for me. Remembering how I got "dragged" into MSA and AcDec because my friends wanted me to participate. It was even funnier hearing people's reactions. I had people question if I was Muslim because I was in MSA's pictures, but it was for all faiths and I joined to learn more about Islam (I miss my friends....) and people were congratulating me for earning a medal in AcDec... Even in other activities like JPN Club, Musical Theatre, and more... People have been so kind to me. I feel bad if I let them down now, so I won't do anything "drastic."

Ending on a high note, a comedy if you will. I have no school tomorrow, but I will be alive to see my classmate on Wednesday. Her words really stuck itself to my head. She overheard my words, and told me that she wishes to see me alive next week, at least. Who am I to disappoint the masses, when I still have an act? The show must go on, and I will play my role perfectly.