my biggest fear feels like its coming true

I have always had this fear of quitting or being forced to quit art/drawing.

and lately it has been looming over me all year.

I think I can say without out a doubt that I am in some sort of severe depression right now. I dont need a diagnosis this shit is very apparent lol. every month this year has been me getting worse and worse, hating myself more and more, and doing less and less and less. I feel like I can't really do or enjoy anything anymore. I am so miserable. I can't live knowing I have to be stuck being this person I hate so much. it feels like I've given up. it feels like I can't keep going. it feels like there's no reason for anything anymore. I have no hope no motivation no drive. nothing is pushing me to continue. and all these feelings just make me hate myself even more. makes me feel like a worthless fucking good for nothing fucking quitter. I'm not even trying. because its too hard.

you would think that those things would be a priority. but no. I think my brain is more mad bout the fact that I can't draw while in this extremely depressed state. while everyone else is getting better, my skills have gotten worse. I've stagnated. I've basically fully convinced myself I can't draw so I barely try anymore. and when I do I hate it. and I'm not supposed to hate it. I'm supposed to love it. but I'm so stressed out. I can't accept failure and I can't accept that everyone is better than me at everything. trying at all just makes the pain worse. EVERYTHING makes the pain worse.

as long as I exist I am going to hurt.

I will never be free from this person. I can't escape myself I can't leave my own body. 

so. 

yeah. 

 a while ago idk when I watched a video of someone basically saying in order to fix their burnout they had to completely stop drawing for like a year or years or something. and I

I don't wanna do that.

but all of this misery is making me feel like I have to. every since I started to get worse those words have been in the back of my mind. 

but I CAN'T. I would have NOTHING. I'm already at rock bottom I can't get rid of the only thing I have even if its hurting me. it doesn't matter. everything is hurting me. so I can't drop it. I can't. 

I don't know what to do. I've repeated this a million times at this point. I am drowning. I can't breathe. this is all so suffocating. 

everything is so

DAMN 

HARD.

I really don't blame depressed people for killing themselves. this is a seriously fucked way of living. its not even living. I am not alive. I dont feel alive. I haven't felt alive in months. I WISH I could kill myself but I don't have the balls. and I haven't come to terms with death yet. it still creeps me out. but I think literally anything else is better than feel like this every day. ANYTHING. I'd rather be a fucking narcissistic or something. have everyone despise me bc I'm such a heartless inconsiderate selfish asshole. at least then I wouldn't be fantasizing about painless ways to end my fucking life. I would just suck really bad lol.