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I have always had this fear of quitting or being forced to quit art/drawing.
and lately it has been looming over me all year.
I think I can say without out a doubt that I am in some sort of severe depression right now. I dont need a diagnosis this shit is very apparent lol. every month this year has been me getting worse and worse, hating myself more and more, and doing less and less and less. I feel like I can't really do or enjoy anything anymore. I am so miserable. I can't live knowing I have to be stuck being this person I hate so much. it feels like I've given up. it feels like I can't keep going. it feels like there's no reason for anything anymore. I have no hope no motivation no drive. nothing is pushing me to continue. and all these feelings just make me hate myself even more. makes me feel like a worthless fucking good for nothing fucking quitter. I'm not even trying. because its too hard.
you would think that those things would be a priority. but no. I think my brain is more mad bout the fact that I can't draw while in this extremely depressed state. while everyone else is getting better, my skills have gotten worse. I've stagnated. I've basically fully convinced myself I can't draw so I barely try anymore. and when I do I hate it. and I'm not supposed to hate it. I'm supposed to love it. but I'm so stressed out. I can't accept failure and I can't accept that everyone is better than me at everything. trying at all just makes the pain worse. EVERYTHING makes the pain worse.
as long as I exist I am going to hurt.
I will never be free from this person. I can't escape myself I can't leave my own body.
so.
yeah.
a while ago idk when I watched a video of someone basically saying in order to fix their burnout they had to completely stop drawing for like a year or years or something. and I
I don't wanna do that.
but all of this misery is making me feel like I have to. every since I started to get worse those words have been in the back of my mind.
but I CAN'T. I would have NOTHING. I'm already at rock bottom I can't get rid of the only thing I have even if its hurting me. it doesn't matter. everything is hurting me. so I can't drop it. I can't.
I don't know what to do. I've repeated this a million times at this point. I am drowning. I can't breathe. this is all so suffocating.
everything is so
DAMN
HARD.
I really don't blame depressed people for killing themselves. this is a seriously fucked way of living. its not even living. I am not alive. I dont feel alive. I haven't felt alive in months. I WISH I could kill myself but I don't have the balls. and I haven't come to terms with death yet. it still creeps me out. but I think literally anything else is better than feel like this every day. ANYTHING. I'd rather be a fucking narcissistic or something. have everyone despise me bc I'm such a heartless inconsiderate selfish asshole. at least then I wouldn't be fantasizing about painless ways to end my fucking life. I would just suck really bad lol.
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ASHTR -priv 4 a scnd u.u-
yeah, youre not wrong, depression is like that..
makes us see what we've filtered out of our minds all the time
its the truth that everything seems to push us back, even while we're alone its us who are the new storm
we're alone against the problem of feeling alone, and miserable
Trying to achieve what other people have while feeling grudge is not how they achieved their dreams..
Its much easier to look at what we are good ourselves and make a stepstone out of it
Obviously no one was born with a gift from the gods.. we've made it ourselves
Because we believed we could
So seeing "failure" in every attempt and down we've had would be a fallacy
We've always gotten up again after every mistake we've had...
And if nothing was there to push forward, what would we have accomplished?
And even if we ended our lives right this second, would it even matter?
If we looked back we would see how small our thoughts would be compared to how we once felt, and what we could have been
Its always your mind the one making the moment look bigger than it is
But its okay to take a step back from oneself instead of holding on to it, rationalize our thoughts with time, clear our minds, and amend, no matter how much it takes, it is not impossible.. neither a failure..