past // friends

if i were to tell someone my entire life, past and present, i feel like they’d look at me in a much different way… cause MAN

where to begin… so when i was born, my biological dad was only around for like two days before he just fucked off. i was born in jacksonville, florida 

my mom was 15 when she got pregnant with me, and 16 when she gave birth to me. crazy, right? she was basically my age when she had me. 

she moved to atlanta, where my grandma on my mom’s side lives. she worked in and out of jobs, while i lived at my grandma’s house for my early years. i still remember coming home from school to watch the annoying orange on my grandma’s big ass tv. i miss that house.

my mom got a new boyfriend, marcellous. marcellous wasn’t a good person, but he was a pretty good father figure to me. i still pray to god, and talk to him often. i hope he can hear me. oh yeah, he died. well… more like got killed. i cant exactly remember why.. something to do with getting something for me?

yeah. that was… i don’t even know. i didn’t go to his funeral. the way my mom described it to me must’ve rubbed me the wrong way. i still wish to this day i could’ve gone and said goodbye. one day i’ll go back up there, i hope. hopefully i’m not dead before i’m able to drive

after that, it became much harder for my mom, and she also had to take care of my now little sister. we moved in with my great grandma. it was a low point for my mom. she constantly yelled and beat me for the tiniest things. she yells and gets mad over small shit now too, but it gets A LOTTTT for her to actually start hitting people, which i can admit she’s grown. it doesn’t even hurt either. i don’t know if that’s because of some other mental shit or if i’m just built different 

anyways.. the constant abuse probably caused some problems along the line. i constantly dreaded being around my mom, which is still kinda the case today. i know she’s trying her best, but she can be an asshole sometimes, and she expects ME not to be an asshole when she’s my only parental figure

anyways… sometime later we moved to florida. i had to stay at my biological dad’s for a bit, the bitch. he didn’t really do too much of anything for me. at least he was rich. that’s also the time period where i got the legendary edition of overwatch for my birthday, christmas. oh i still remember logging on the first time onto that game, seeing the recall cinematic. i know current overwatch is so much better than the original, but those memories… 

anywho, i moved back in with my mom not too long later. things got… better?

but, my entire life, i’ve been a victim of lets say… unrestricted internet access. i’ve always found comfort online, because of how shitty my regular life was. i grew up in the prime of the internet, specifically the fandoms.

eventually.. at the ripe age of ten, i found myself on a little website called discord.com. jesus fucking christ.. even from a young age, i surprisingly intelligent. i managed to fit in and find a friendgroup of people decently older than me (teenagers). i met these mfs from ROBLOX ROLEPLAY UNDERTALE GAMES. good memories😭

one of these people stood out, a girl. she was really nice to me. sweet, funny, a writer. she knew my real age and she was likeee.. 14? yeah 14. we started dating and that became a whole thing.. infact i got in HUGE trouble with my family (grandma, aunt, mom) because they saw my messages with her. i really loved that girl, peyton was her name. or was it payton?? i don’t remember. we eventually broke up because i started slowly becoming more and more of an asshole, which continued to this day!

after that, i vowed to never log onto discord again, i didn’t want to disappoint my mom or grandma. but logging back onto my laptop after deleting the app, i noticed it just booted up again on launch. i wanted to truly delete it, but something inside of me stopped myself. so… i just kept it secret.

maybe a year later? i was 13 now. i decided to join my friend, tee, in this fuckass restaurant game on roblox in order to troll him. put on a goku cosplay (which is the avatar i still troll in) and joined. while fucking with people, i walked to this table with this moth girl creature and some other guy. tried to “troll” them too, but it turns out they actual had a sense of humor and just played into it. that’s when i decided i’d actually try to talk to this group of people. 

i still remember that night, january 15th 2023. god i had so much fun that day.. the moth lady’s online name was xyro, and her friend was mylo. i never really liked mylo all too much.. but xyro? we hit it off so damn fast. we talked allllll the time. this bitch had SO MANY interests. she could draw really well, she was good at editing, she could write, she wanted to call me all the time, she ACTUALLY PLAYED COMPETITIVE GAMES?? A GIRL WHO PLAYS COMPETITIVE GAMES AND NOT JUST BORING INDIE SHIT???? she was SO FUNNY and she was just like a female version of me. 

after like a week of talking, she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend josh. which was also the same day she confessed to me. i could already tell she was romantically interested in me, which i for some reason didn’t see any problem with.. i didn’t really have nearly as much experience i do now, nor intelligence. soooo we got together 

it was great for a bit, but this mf had SO much trauma. i mean, if current me met her back then, i would’ve been able to actually know how to handle, deal with it, and relate with it. cause she actually was just like me. she constantly felt like she had something missing in her life, that she always needed to be in a relationship with someone. she had a terrible family life, similar to me. she was truly the only person i could relate to. she got me in a way nobody else did. i really wish i was nearly as amazing as i am now for her. so many damn regrets…

while not too much my fault (atleast not until later), we broke up. yeah.. that sucks.. around this time i went back to dating peyton, which was apparently a “wakeup call” (her words) to xyro. i dated peyton for months straight which is REALLY RARE FOR ME until july, cause peyton was being kinda a shitty girlfriend (ignoring me), so i got back with xyro innn july i believe. july? rebzyyx reference! and things were really amazinggg and stuff. and she’s also the reason i started writing my undertale/glitchtale/naruto story, which ik sounds amazingggg. oh yeah, speaking of that, she’s also the reason for like 90% of my interests.. she put me on bojack horseman, so much of the music i listen to, skullgirls, some roblox games i play, and some other shit i’m probably forgetting

but after a while.. things started to go sour. silly me started being an asshole and all. and she met this guy called alias. rich, tall, not a complete loser, has actual friends, “nice”, sounds like a perfect guy! i fucking hate rich people. i also hate people who pretend to be all nice and shit. she started paying more attention to this guy instead of me. fuckass boy bestfriend 😭

i eventually got cucked by this nigga, so that’s awesome. we continued being friends for a bit, but she suddenly just blocked me out of the blue. owch.

another reason why november is the worst month. god that girl literally shaped my taste in women. anyways, i’ve tried filling this emptiness i’ve felt for over a year with constant relationships, distractions, but nothing seems to work. 

FRIENDS

finally, onto the friends part

god im writing this while on my year straight bedrotting streak

my friends are.. how do i describe it?? not really friends, just people who i have no emotional connection with whatsoever. people who are rarely in my life, let alone who i talk to on a day to day basis or even attempt talking to me

i have like maybe two friends who i’d care about if they die, and even then. i just find it extremely hard to make emotional connections with anyone anymore, even the people i had connections with before. it’s all just… gone. completely gone. i don’t know how it came to this, but it just has

i wish i could go back to being normal

thats a lie

i’m glad i’m this broken, gives me an excuse to be a dick to people

at least i’m self aware about it

if you’ve read all of this, good on you ^_^! maybe there’s something you could relate to