yesterday was insane.

so…. yesterday i attempted what i didnt realise was going to be the last time that ill try convincing my dad that my mother isnt a good person. of course i didnt say exactly that, and i left out the whole covert narc and gaslighting stuff. i just explained that this whole things been going on for 4 years and all this stuff and i vaguely said “ive told therapists they say its not normal”. what i do regret is telling my dad i was hurting myself yesterday because i was too honest. idk why, i thought something would change. 

i said "and i feel like even if i do what she wants then shell find something else" and he replied "are you really sure about that?"

i said yea and he asked "but if you do what she asks isnt that fine" i tried re-explaining the stuff i said about her tryna find something to be mad at me for and how even if i do what she asks when shes not mad the second i forget to do something its like im a horrible human being.

and then he said "well why dont you just ask her if she needs help with something everyday? then if you get into an argument you can bring up that you asked" and i knew we were going absolutely nowhere with this. started saying the whole "i know its weird but she just cares about you" 

but then he said something so shocking but somehow not surprising "whenever she does stuff like this just try to go along with it. even if in your head you go "ugh this is so stupid" just say "okay, ill do it" to avoid her being upset. just try to go along with it"

what.

WHAT.

your telling me…. that MY dad is telling me that i should just put up with toxic and bad behaviour from someone close to me to avoid conflict and keep them happy. hah. no WONDER you and mums marriage is horrible. you are a doormat who is constantly being stepped on!! every argument you guys have ends in NOTHING changing because you end up “clearing the air” everytime. 

i ended up just agreeing with what dad said. not actually, i knew after he said that i needed to go back to liar mode. besides that whole thing i actually felt kinda happy? i think i was only happy cuz potentially that whole tech in a box at night thing my mum really wants to do when we move could potentially not happen. but when i went to bed last night that happiness fully faded away as i for one, started to regret being so honest with my dad now knowing im never really gonna do that again. 

i also realised… huh. i have no one in my family. theres no one here in my house, or extended family or whatever who is going to take me seriously or save me from my situation. My younger brother knows theres something wrong but… i dont think he understands either. i feel like he’s unfortunately very prone to believing my parents so… i dont know if hes ever going to believe me. either way it’s something he needs to figure out himself, and hes too young. 

im too young, honestly. for the first time in my life, im dreading Christmas. 

small update while writing this holy shit

so my mum asked me to come into her room to talk and she asked me why i didnt like that whole tech in a box thing and i tried explaining all the things (minus the whole I DO NOT TRUST YOU thing). but she just… doesnt agree with anything im saying and continues going on about why she thinks its a good idea and how my cords are contributing to “the mess that is my room” (again my room is SOOO normal and she has created this problem)

then she was randomly like “why didnt you respond to my message” and i said what? no i did. and she was like “no you didnt respond to my first one” 

which was this, btw

“I'm really upset, and very hurt, that you think talking to me is too scary, and you would rather hurt yourself😭 when I just want to try and find ways to help you manage your time and things like preventing the cat from weeing and creating more stress and work for everyone. I am not and was not trying to punish you, and I don't think you are a bad person! It's quite the opposite, and I want to help you realise your own potential, and I feel that implementing physical distance for breaks, etc, might help. What you thought might be a scary conversation would never be worse than hurting yourself! Btw that is incredibly concerning and distressing for me to hear 😢 In the future, can you please take a deep breath and talk to me instead? Believe me, it will never be as bad as you imagine. Xx”

which if you want my honest answer? i didnt respond for a bunch of reasons but the main two were. 1. you didnt say sorry, at all. i literally was shaking and bawling my eyes out and all you said was “thats so scary to me you feel that way! im sad” 2. from the way she framed it, it didn’t really seem like i HAD to respond. plus she sent two messages afterwards and i replied to those so… idk

then she basically said “ive have a headache from crying so much because you dont even care. dont you understand how much this hurts me? i told you how much it hurts ME and you didnt even say anything nice to me because you dont care do you? i had to do so much yesterday and you made it so difficult and annoying and the fact you’d rather talk to dad about stuff hurts me soooo much. you dont even care about everything i do.”

which is just a full blown yapping for “you hurt me. you should be sorry” 

HUH. i… i dont know what to say. this is like narcissist 101. refusing to say sorry to the person YOU hurt and instead making yourself the victim. wow… wow… 

its just so funny shes all like “why dont you want to talk to me about things?” when i do you stick to your own ideas and get angry and upset with me because i got upset with you being bad to me. then you bring up all these things i had no clue about to make me feel bad for you. 

good grief. that spare phone idea is looking really good right now