dream easy, young eyass

this is more of for myself, i guess because i still cant forget how she just ended but i cant remember it either

...

to the hunter of fire, i suppose if only what i can call you.

i dont know if im trying to vague with this. i'll probably type your name at somepoint and i guess i'll just be crying so hard that i wont really care at that point.

i was cleaning because i couldnt sleep. dad told me to clean off my dresser this weekend so i just got it iut of the way. but then i went under the dresser.

i guess at first it was normal. trash, socks, bs i'd shoved down there to hide from myself so i wouldnt have to handle them. which i guess didnt really work our because i found your stuff anyway. i still have so much of it. the bookmarks, the headbands, the earbuds, the beach ball.

all of it was there. and i guess thats what triggered all this. but that little wooden board, i think it did the trick. the one with your name on the back in cursive with a heart on the i. the board with a photo of all 8 of your little group. vacation bible school.

i guess the memory is kinda fuzzy by now. its been 3 years, a long 3 years at that. i remember that you would go around, doing certain little religious activities for kids. coloring and whatnot. you got a little package and it had a cross and so much christian shit that neither of us understand, and i bet we still wouldnt.

but that all traced back to something. traced back to grandma. she was the one who had made you go over summer. she was the religious one of the family and yet she never really forced us into it.

i guess nowadays i kinda wish she did. maybe then we wouldnt have screwed up this much. i know for a fact she wouldnt be proud of us. we've done such sin, and i know she probably sees all of it. and i cant express my regret. 

its been three years since she passed by now. 1201 days, to be exact. i wish we spent more time with her. i would give the world just to talk to her one last time. to give her a proper goodbye. 

i miss you too, falcon. you left me, you left us, when everything got so hard. we're so different now. we're so broken and i dont know if i can fix it because im the one who tore us to shreds in the first place. everythings so wrong and its all my fault and i know it.

i know my tears arent enough of an apology. maybe one day we'll meet again and everything will be okay.

i guess theres more i could say. but i cant find the willpower in myself to do it. 

i love you, little dreamer. i just wish you hadnt given up so soon like i have.

sweet dreams, kiddo.