Still waiting for therapy/moving on albeit slowly, please stay safe.

I’m still waiting for therapy so I can fix myself and I still deeply regret not working towards actually getting it sooner so i could have never hurt them again. There’s always been times where I wish I could go back and change something but the two biggest regrets in my entire life are hurting them like that, especially my victim; and then not being able to let go and hurting him again afterwards and not being to move past it and just being a threat making him fear for his safety. I haven’t been a good person to either of you and I’ve only been getting worse after the fact. 

As clingy I’ve been to people I shouldn’t have been, being the people I’ve seriously harmed and traumatized and taken advantage of; for a long while I haven’t tried to contact them and I’m finally done trying to get in touch with them. I want to leave them alone. as much as I still wish I could reach out to them in the future and/or as much as I wish I could go back and never have done any of this ever, especially not to them; Im so sorry for everything.

My ex-boyfriend was a lovely person who had a lot I was looking for in a relationship and I’m sorry that i took that; took you for granted and I hurt him so much. I’m sorry I had hurt the love of his life too, my thirst had infected too many people that I cared about at one point in time. 

I took the last bit of innocence from a bright and innocent person who gave joy to so many people and was nothing but sweet and kind and caring to me, and while I believed I was being that at first, I can see I harmed them instead. Both are wonderful people who I had quickly abused that trust and them. They deserve the best and tons of love and support. i sincerely hope the person I had hurt will have a better life as an adult and I still really feel awful for being like the others before me. I robbed him of the last few weeks of his childhood and it will stick with him like the others. I beg and pray to every and anything that i possibly can that the future is good and peaceful and kind to him and that he is treated well, as someone who used to be very close to his lovers as I dated one of them; I know they’ll take good care of him. I’m sorry i couldn’t provide that safety no matter how much I wanted to.

I wish I had just moved on sooner to prevent that further harm. I want a new relationship so I can just finally move on, but I need to wait. I also need to be in the right mind to where I properly can commit to one with a person I can love and not just because I miss it and merely as a trauma response, but most importantly I need to wait until I get help to control my emotions, romantic feelings, sexual urges and intrusive thoughts and so I can be absolutely certain that I won’t hurt someone like this ever again. I don’t want to hurt anyone like this ever again no matter who it is, let alone someone I care about.

Even if I am finally starting to move on, I still miss just being friends with them, I still think about them all the time, but even if they didn’t hate me; and as much as I do miss them; it would be far too risky to maintain that contact, and I’m sorry. I will always feel remorse for my actions that I have committed, and I will always feel regret for not doing anything about it until it was too late. So it’s best I leave them alone forever and work on myself to prevent it ever happening again. 

Even if I’m trying to not reach out to them anymore and want to let them finally fucking feel safe online again without fearing me and my obsessiveness and impulsiveness every day, even if I am finally moving on, I’ll still feel this guilt for what I did to them and I’ll still regret not staying away sooner and everything I’ve done to them in general. 

I wish I could stop thinking about them every day and every night but my actions will definitely haunt me for many years to come. I just hope therapy can prevent me from harming more people like this and can help prevent me from harming these two ever again. I feel so selfish for worrying about their health and safety when I caused so much damage and stress to them. Neither of the people I hurt deserved any of this. Nobody deserves to go through any of this. 

I realize my subsequent creepy and obsessive behaviour towards my victims afterwards has been even more stressful and outright terrifying for them both, and of course it would be, it would be terrifying for anyone to go through that. I should have sought that help sooner and never bothered going back. So I won’t reach out to them again; neither directly nor indirectly nor vaguely, none of it. I should have stuck to my instinctive decision to keep him turned away when he came back so I never hurt him again. I still miss you both a lot, so much but I’m slowly moving on finally. I’m sorry to you both for everything and congratulations on the polycule. I’m glad he’s seemingly warmed up to the idea of a full one and I really hope you guys are all happy and doing well together.