Report Blog Entry
look ik i said im taking a break from being online but its kinda more “i post stuff but i dont look at other peoples stuff for a while”
ive kinda joked about this for a while but at this point i think its actually true. since 2021 everytime it gets to the last 3 months of the year its like everything goes to shit. in 2021 i was going crazy during oct-dec because i was desperate to leave my school and literally role playing my first day of high school at home. 2022 i got “depression” and left my school and friends in october-november. 2023 i actually started being depressed for real and left my second high school in October to december. and now, this year. without a doubt the absolute WORST year of my entire life. my parents fucking traumatised me in april, i realised how horrible they actually are to me and how im a scapegoat, my anxiety and depression is going through the roof to the point i think someone is going to kill me at night, ai shitty pooppoo garbage is huge and unavoidable, most events during the week that i was going to go to have been cancelled, ive been more dysphoric and unhappy with my appearance than ive ever been, i have a horrific and chronic fear of time and future and seeing dates freaks me out, im never going to see my childhood house agian, my country is more ass than ever and now this.
yesterday to get my anger out with everything i aggressively listened to femtanyl lol. but now im more pissed and it prolly is kinda small, at least to you.
so like 4 whole ass WEEKS ago my grandma who i go to her house on fridays and have been for a near decade told me i was gonna have to go home earlier than usual because she was going to see my cousins “deb” which i had no clue what that meant but i assumed it was like a prom thing. but then i saw my cousins insta and it was like… just a photo shoot? and NOTHING else. but whatever i was going to her place next friday anyway.
well turns out, NOPE!! she got covid from driving to my middle of fucking nowhere cousins photo shoot. ik old people have like different health issues and shit but my grandparents are healthy as shit so i assumed that i would still be find going on friday (quarantine doesnt exist here anymore btw). the two times ive gotten covid ive either had zero symptoms or i had a real bad fever for like 4 hours and then nothing else. plus she got it on friday so by next friday we would be tight right? turns out they were STILL sick by friday. i still thought whatever theyre old its prolly different. ill just ignore being depressed because i cant handle being inside my house alone for a whole day.
so this week was horrific because my school decided it was a good idea to not have school until THURSDAY. i usually work on my video during school because im outside in my dads office where no one can hear me. so i had to wait until yesterday to actually work on my video (yesterday was ass btw fucking everything was horrible)
so for the whole week i just waited, and waited, and waited. after november 6 i was ready to just chill on friday and not worry too much, even if it was for a little while. i woke up at 9, i wanted to just sleep. i thought i was gonna take my meds early last night but i ended up going to sleep at 1. my mum told me its almost 9:30 so i thought grandma was gonna pick me up then. i waited. and i waited. and i waited. it was 10:15 and i finally got up and asked my mum what was happening. she usually came on the dot cuz thats how she is. then my mum told me
“she still has covid”
HUH????? HOW WHAT HOW WHAT THE FUCK???? ITS BEEN LEGITIMATELY BEEN NEARLY 3 WEEKS SINCE SHE GOT SICK. i swear im missing something. do they just NOT wanna see me??? or are my parents lying for me to not go. What even WAS the point of that stupid ass deb thing if it was just a photo shoot. im so SICK of NOTHING goijg right this year. everythings being cancelled wtf is happening.
whenever i see my mother i wanna scream and die i hate her narc ass for ruining EVERYTHING. i think she sees through my bs i need to start lying better but every day i daydream of ending our sad little relationship ending in an explosion. when i listen to songs i imagine myself at idk, a graduation thing for my high school? and i have a stage, a real one like ive always dreamed of. and i sing.. something. duvet by boa? girl hell 1999? something sweet like dont forget from deltarune? whatever it is i wanna direct it to my mother and say we are DONE.
i swear i listened to KATAMARI 17 times yesterday and just imagine, oh just IMAGINE if i sung the whole song and then BAM. i started screaming like a crazy bitch and I LOSE MY
MIND
Comments
Displaying 0 of 0 comments ( View all | Add Comment )