Thanks for the support, even if it’s not what I deserve at all.

I very, very begrudgingly yet generously appreciate the support from people like the very few friends who have dedicated their time to helping me get the help I need and the people who let me acknowledge my wrongdoings, though I do still feel extremely guilty, disgusted, and extremely slimy for thanking these people as while I genuinely really do want to get professional support and therapy so I don’t hurt more people in the future; and I should’ve gotten it sooner but I was too scared to ask and made everything worse, the people I’ve hurt; who are wonderful people; absolutely deserve all of that love and support more than me. I appreciate it, though it’s not what I deserve. The therapy is more important. The therapy is also what I need, but it’s not what I deserve. I’m glad the people I’ve hurt have that access to those resources and while I’m begrudgingly thankful for the support people are giving me, I’m a thousand, billion, trillion, INFINITELY times more thankful to every single individual person who is showing all the love and support and kindness they can to the people I’ve hurt it means everything to them. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to do the same and my pathetic and feeble attempts to do so only made it worse and made them afraid of me and I’m so sorry and ashamed that I had to be a reason they have to get it. Im sorry I just repeat myself all the time 

I don't think I'm ready to live with this guilt forever and this guilt will stick with me even after I get therapy, especially with it being two people I cherished in my mind but wasn’t a good enough person to reflect that, I know I'll have to even if I feel like I really should'nt be alive anymore especially when the victim no longer cares for my safety like he did when i initially hurt him and he couldn’t bring himself to hate me.