I wish I could just go back/Every Day/Night

Everyday and every night I wish i could go back in time. We’ve all been there and I’ve been there before many times whether or not it’s for a small thing like a dumb witty comeback or to change something in our lives or experience a past event in history, etc etc. But now more than ever in my entire life I find myself wishing. I wish never did what I did to him. I wish I could go back in time and get to hear his laugh and voice again, I wish I could have never had those feelings, or at least just kept them to myself and never acted upon them ever, I wish I could have just been his friend. I wish I could go back to just talking about things we enjoy and rambling about my hyperfixations to people, especially him since he loved listening to me talk about my hyperfixations. 

Everyday and every night I find myself dreaming about tracking down the people who had hurt them so many times in their lives and taking them out before finally doing myself in and then I wake up and remember that I can never go back to them and I can never undo any of it and I wallow in my own pathetic self pity and I feel the most regret I’ve ever felt in my entire life for harming the people I loved in such a way I never thought I could and I think about how happy they are together and I think about I used to be able to bring them comfort, make them feel safe and loved and how I used to make them laugh and smile before I became the very thing I hated and wanted to break apart. Before I made them afraid of me. 

I loved my bf as well so much and he’s a gorgeous, funny, beautiful looking, lovely person. We all have flaws but i took him for granted so much and hurt him so much. his partners are so lucky to have him. I wish I had treated him better as well. I miss his company even as just a friend and I really fucked him over with what I did and I never really took him into consideration when i initially hurt his boyfriend/my victim and I feel like the biggest piece of shit for it, and I am. 

I know neither of them believe me and they have every right not to as I’ve impulsively hurt them multiple times but I am so so sorry and genuinely extremely remorseful for what I did and it kills me everyday that I hurt them both so much and so many times because I couldn’t control my emotions and respect the simplest of wishes from the people I had hurt and manipulated. I need to move forward and so do they and I need to become a better person, but I do wish I could go back and have somehow never did any of this.