Scared of Myself and Scared for the ones I hurt.

I still love the people I’ve hurt so much and I know I shouldn’t love them at all and I know how they feel about me now, they used to be appreciate and love me and even after the initial hurt, they still did and now after my crimes against them again, they hate me more than anything. They are terrified of me. And they should be for what I did to them, but I wish it never happened and I was scared of myself after I had hurt them the first time and then the second time made me even more afraid of myself, I hug my chest every night when I sleep and curl up but when I do I get so scared that my hands will grow claws and rip into my guilty, beating heart and hold it in place until it stops beating. I’m scared for them as well. I’m outright terrified for them. But the less I’m around them, the safer and less scared they’ll be. As much as it hurts me, me being around them will hurt them a thousand times more. 

I know that it’ll probably never compare to the fear and hatred they have for me, they are terrified of me. I'm really scared of myself. I do nothing but think about the people I’ve hurt and I cry for hours every day but I hate telling people about it because I’m waiting until I get that professional help but I hate keeping it bottled inside and I keep self-consciously feeling like it’ll come off as a weak attempt at pity and guilt tripping since the people I’ve hurt deserve the sympathy and I don’t and I can’t move on from my emotions or feelings when I know it’s wrong and my mental state is getting worse and worse every day and I’m so fucking scared someone please put me in a room and lock me away or put me out of it all I’m so scared and I’m so terrible for what I’ve done to people I loved.