I’m happy for them.

My ex boyfriend that I had hurt so many times and both of his partners (one being my victim) all are polyamorous together now, (before it was my ex dating one while also dating the other) and im so happy for them, especially when my ex didn’t want his partners dating eachother due to negative experiences, so I’m glad he’s happier with it now and I’m extremely proud of him for it. I’m especially so happy that my victim is getting so much love and care. I’m glad they’re all happy together and I’m so fucking happy for them that they’re all happy and I hope they can begin healing but I feel like they were all brought closer because I had hurt them all in some way and I feel even worse for having those feelings for my victim in the first place. 

But my thoughts intrude again and it makes me all the more impatient to get help. I unfortunately feel myself almost wishing I could have had that loving experience with both of them as well, because I loved two of these people so much, even when the love was really wrong and fucked up. I know it’s wrong and that intrusive thought and these unrequited fjust makes me want to do my own head in even more and it just makes me feel even more selfish, disgusting and vile which I am and those two people don’t love me anymore and want me gone. I’m deeply disgusted with myself and I wish I had just stayed friends with him and had never let my feelings and love for him turn into my manipulative and abusive desires and had outright suppressed those feelings to the best of my ability, but I didn’t, and that decision ruined everything and I had hurt him in ways he had be taken advantage of before.

It also reminds me of my complete emotional and mental instability when my ex bf originally got with another person while I was with him despite me being poly and him being ambiamorous and he had to leave me for a bit because I was so mentally unstable, it’s even worse now though because the person I like, I had hurt drastically and that way I like them is not okay at all. Now they hate me and want me out of their life for rightful and justified reasons and I wish I just didn’t feel this way anymore. it makes me feel even worse and whenever I talk about it it always self-consciously feels like a self-pity sob story when that’s not my intention, I just want to express my guilt and regret and sorrow for the shit I’ve done and the hurt I’ve inflicted on people that I thought I cared about and did care about and loved and I want to move on from them already and leave them behind like they’ve begged so many times because I’ve done nothing but hurt them so much lately. 

I feel awful for wanting to think about the happy memories that I’ve made with them when neither of them want to think about the happy memories they’ve made with me as the things I’ve done are far too traumatic and they’ve seen what I can do and they are scared of me. 

They won’t see this, but I’m genuinely so happy for them all. I’m glad most of all that he now has two people who love and care for my victim that I hurt in such a way and I hope they all have a bright and beautiful future and I’m sorry that i couldn’t stay in my boyfriend’s future like we had hoped and I betrayed his trust as well. I’m sorry for everything I’m so so sorry I ever hurt you both. please stay strong and stay safe, I hope your future is a much safer one than your pasts and than your times spent with me. I’m so happy for them all but it makes me sick to my stomach that I did all this and I can’t provide any of that happiness myself. It feels like I’m jealous of a relationship that I’m no longer a part of and the person I had hurt with my wrong, heinous and gross love.