You should be sorry

today felt distant. like pain was blaring in my face. the people around me seemed to be so angry. misery and hate clouded the world that surrounds me. 

i think my mum knows im a liar. she thinks there’s something wrong. she probably thinks that im doing something im not supposed to. which is true, i am. she thinks im sorry. she yelled at me 200 days ago that i should be sorry. but i never was and i never will be, i lie to survive. 

the food i am given is filled with hate. like the paint that will cover the walls in my new home and the tone of my fathers voice. everyone is lost and hopeless but im not done. i hate myself for being so loving and hopeful because in the past 2 years it has lead to nothing but being hurt. i cant let it go though because it has let me live so long but i dread for the day i lose it.

I looked at my arms and my body. the hairdresser cut my hair too short, the length was comforting. it doesnt matter. i just wish i had more good things in my life. like if i was happy with how i looked. if i didnt have these tumors on my chest and my hips weren’t so wide they make my shorts uneven. if my face wasnt so girly, id have hair down to my waist. 

“i think i should cut myself” i thought. i told myself i shouldnt feed into these habits. then i saw my wrists and i could see my veins. they’re blue like lapis lazuli, arent they pretty?

i have me to look forward to.