my art is getting worse. (long af)

in 2021,

i was like on a high with art. i was fresh into my friday night funkin hyperfixation and i was drawing like every second of my like. in school? drawing on all my work. at home with homework? nah i'd be finishing a drawing first. this was the year where i started to do digital art more frequently. i used to not be the biggest fan of it. i used to draw mostly on paper bc digital art was really intimidating so i only dabbled. but idk what it was about fnf but it got me really into drawing digitally. i found sooooo many artists and was introduced to soooo many styles.  and it kinda got me obsessed with style. my artstyle was constantly changing. i was just throwing shit at the wall until it stuck or until it eventually fell off the wall and i'd stick something else. but either way i was drawing A LOT. like a lot. 2021 is like prolly the most art i've ever made in my life. maybe that is an exaggeration idk but i did draw so much that year. i will say that i wasn't happy i guess. i was still depressed in 2021. but i was like okay? like i was happy but i was still experiencing depression yk? even when i was sad i would draw. i would be like well this sucks and keep drawing. i don't know if that is a good thing or not. maybe drawing too much all the time is what lead me here. but i was havin fun. i wasn't thinkin about that stuff.

in 2022

i think is when the depression started ramping up. we aren't here yet, but we are getting close now. now even though i was really fuckin sad i think this is the year i made the most improvement? well i improved a lot i guess. at some point this year i decided to start studying i guess. but i didn't know what i was doin really. it was mainly lots of figure drawing and some random studies here and there. it wasn't really like focused or anything. it was just random. but shit it was fuckin WORKING. at least in some areas. i WAS improving even though i wasn't studying "the right way". i got good at drawing bodies though somethings were still hard. my gestures started to improve and and i started trying more interesting poses and i started to develop a shading and coloring style. i don't wanna say this is like the peak of my art skills, that would be ridiculous but i feel like this is peak "deadlandddah". not really me. but. more like my online image i guess? actually maybe it is peak me too. this is when my art was doing the best online. most of the art of mine that has been stolen and put on places like pinterest (and rule34 sites. do not google deadlandddah lmao) are from this year. and i did make a couple pieces of art that i did like this year. and i liked my art style this year. until i didn't. i don't know what happened. well i kinda know what happened but i don't know what caused what happened to happen.

2023.

i'm 19. life is getting serious. i'm not in college so i need to think about work and stuff. and the depression is getting worse. but of course it is. it's been years and i've still gotten no help. all my negative thinking habits are still around with me not really knowing how to handle them. and then it officially starts to seep into my art. it always has. but now it's LOUDER. i'm starting to draw less and starting to hate my art more and compare my art to others more because the pain is becoming too much. the feeling of being not good enough is starting to come up more than usual. i didn't really know what i want to do with my art for a while. i was getting bored. and everyone else is so much better than me. why can't i just be like them? i was always thinking about practicing but never doing it because i didn't know what to practice. i was practicing new things occasionally. trying new things. but it was less now. and i was trying new things too much. i didn't know what i was doing i was just doing stuff and hoping it made my art better. it was all still kinda mindless. i was so focused on art style more than fundamentals which really fucked everything up. i was rarely having fun with what i was making. everything was feeling so wrong. it stopped feeling like me. i was just obsessed with all these other artists i hated my art for not looking like theirs. or for not being cartoony enough. that's another thing i kinda skipped over bc i totally forgot about it but; i really wanted a cartoony art style. and i HAD one. i HAVE ONE. but it was never enough. it didn't look like the other cartoonists work i saw. so it wasn't good enough to me. it needed to be like theirs. because of this, my art sorta started taking this weird directin where i was trying to force cartooniness. and of course bc i was forcing it i started to dislike my art style. i guess one positive thing i realized this year was that i liked character design and making comics way more than drawing pretty girls posing on a boring background. i also took a liking to character acting and illustrations with backgrounds. when i did those things, i actually felt good about my art. sometimes. this year was a lot. i don't really know how to sum it up in a little paragraph. it's only gonna get worse from here.

now. 2024.

i'm at rock fucking bottom. i've reach the depression that i never thought i would. the depression that keeps you from doing ANYTHING. getting out if bed. brushing my teeth. fucking STANDING. everything has become unbearably difficult. art has become difficult. every single bad thought has been amped up to a million. i hate everything i draw nothing is enough i'm never studying never drawing i'm only daydreaming i'm not good enough not creative enough not cartoony enough not motivated enough. NOTHING IS ENOUGH. i CAN'T draw without feeling shit like this. i'm so unhappy with my art right now it makes me want to DIE. not enjoying the only thing i have is torture. my life isn't worth living if i can't draw. ridiculous, right? who fucking thinks like that? i feel so blank. it hurts so much i can't feel it anymore. the last couple things i illustrated i couldn't really feel anything for them. i tried. i didn't know how to feel. because it wasn't enough. something is always wrong. nothing feels right. nothing i do feels right everything i do feels wrong. so i do nothing. and of course that caused my artistic skills to fucking plummet. i don't even know how to construct bodies anymore. i can't bring myself to draw anything interesting because i've already made up my mind that i can't it's not gonna look like [artist's] wortk, so what's the point? i'll never be like [artist], so why even try? i tried gesture drawing today. gave up after 2. TWO. i've bought 4 art courses. haven't finished a single one. one of them i haven't even started. i feel fucking worthless. 

maybe it's a mixture of burnout and depression. i don't know. i don't know how to fix either. i'm suffering daily. i just can't take this anymore.

i don't know how to end this one. i don't have a silly little thing to put here today.