I regret everything

I haven’t been the most emotionally stable lately and I’ve always been a very emotional person and there’s a lot of times where I don’t think, but I realize that I’ve become a very uncontrollable and obsessive compulsive  person who can’t let go of feelings and emotions and should’ve known better and should’ve also controlled my hormones. 

I always hope they are safe in my mind at night but during the day I scare them so much and make them terrified for their safety and terrified of me and I hate it. I’m glad they are so far away from me so they’re physically safe but that won’t change the amount of mental stress and trauma I’ve put on them and the guilt I constantly feel I scare myself too and I really fucking regret not telling someone sooner that I needed serious fucking help so I could've gotten help sooner and have stopped myself from at least hurting these people further because it’s all I do now even when I don’t want to talk to them ever again but I was so afraid why didn’t I just keep him away the first time and focus on my mental health so I didn’t keep doing this, he goes back out of habit and I didn’t see anything wrong with it after I missed him, when I pushed him away the first time, I did it because i genuinely cared about his safety and knew it was way too soon to talk again, and I should’ve just kept ig away and let it be forever I should’ve just either pushed him away the first time and left him alone forever or had him only contact me years later for updates on his wellbeing but even then I didht think it was a good idea, so I don’t know what changed, i don’t know why I couldn’t just wait to get help and then leave them alone forever. I regret all of it, I enjoyed our moments together as friends but I’ve tainted it all for him and ruined it and I’ve hurt a person who I believed that I had cared about and a person who’s already been hurt like this before and I knew he was hurt before but I didn't tell myself to stop sooner. I didn’t see the signs sooner and we convinced ourselves it was okay but I should’ve known better and cut it sooner. 

I feel these emotions and this regret and I meant that I really meant that, I’m not sure to who anymore, but I believed to both him and myself but my actions didn’t reflect it because I was impatient and still had those people and emotions fresh in my mind and I used that against them again and again and it just hurts everyone. If it was anyone else and I was someone who heard about it myself, I’d be disgusted and angered with the patheticness of this repeated behaviour but instead I’m the one doing it; and I am feeling those emotions towards myself but I can’t let go for some fucking reason and it’s making me spiral into an even worse version of what I already once was and it just harms them more and more and takes away that peace of mind I want them to have and I can’t say any of my thoughts with my guilty self-conscious making it feel like a cheap attempt at pity and sympathy I want help already, I don’t want to be this person anymore. I regret not asking for help and therapy sooner, I regret ever going back into his life and most of all; I regret ever hurting him like this in this in the first place. I regret my obsessive nature which I’m still fighting, mostly alone this time besides my cousins and friends, but I don’t blame the many people that don’t want to be around me as I’m dangerous and unstable.