Hating pink was never actually about the colour

I've never been secure in myself and I'll admit that no problem 

I grew up hating the colour pink with basically my whole being, but now I'm older I realise I never actually hated the colour, I hated what liking pink brought to me.

I hated the idea if being a 'stereotypical' girl, I didn't want to be seen based on a colour I liked that happened to align with the colour 'assigned' to my gender, I wanted to be seen for me and I thought the only way to do that was to go against what it was to be a girl, I turned myself against everything I liked just to prove a point that om not some weak princess who needs protecting and that ultimately was my downfall 

Now I've crafted an image of myself that i don't think is true to who I am, i love pink I love all colours but anything other than black just makes me uncomfortable, i wanna wear bright colours but I'm so scared of returning back to the weak perception I had all those years ago I don't feel comfortable in my skin and I never have I feel like a mask of who I really am

I've been out of that stereotypical feminine mold for years now and going back to liking all these colours that are tied to being girly just feels wrong, I can't wear anything other than black and grey around my family without someone pointing it out and that makes me uncomfortable for some reason, I just wanna wear what j want without being commented on

Anyways that's jt chat that's my rant 😪😪