Car

I've been feeling empty. I don't know if it's because I miss my parents, or because summer's wearing off, or because I'm still stressed about that stupid house next year, or if it's because I've been drinking at least once a week for 5 weeks (alcohol is a depressant and I am depressive).

 I don't know and I don't even know if I really care.

I went to life drawing today, it was good but I felt stiff and kept comparing my stuff to the girl's next to me. She was a fresher doing physics. I knew she'd be mad good when she said physics, and because she wasn't dressed up all artsy either. The more artsy they're dresses, the worse they usually are.

I stuck around afterwards and chatted with the exec for half an hour. That was ok. I then drove home in my car listening to Kate Bush and Guns 'n Roses

My dad used to always listen to rock in the car. I have like, blood memories of riding around with him in the black bmw at night in the late autumn, when it was a bit rainy and a bit miserable and I was tired after school. It was always Lady Pank and Guns n Roses and Dzem and all these drowsy electric guitars. I remember I used to always hope he didn't turn right to go home, instead he would keep on going so we could liisten to more songs, instead of me listening to him and my mum argue, or just not talk at all. Those were empty days. 

I didn't turn left to go home , I keot going and did a loop around Tesco car park with November Rain playing on my little autistic radio that pops out of its slot when I go over a pothole. I got home and switched it all off and locked my car and went in and dropped everything off. I look at myself in the mirror, is there any child left in me? I don't look like a child anymore. At all. I'm just not the passenger anymore, ever. Yet the feeling is exactly the same.