still loving someone you’ve hurt when it’s wrong.

Im slowly moving on, but still loving someone when it’s wrong to love them in so many ways and is even more fucked up afterwards and they absolutely hate you, for completely justified reasons so you all need to move on and I need to move on and they about them, but not how I hurt them so I don’t repeat what I did to them while learning from my actions and getting therapy.

It’s even worse because I’m the one who hurt these people, the love I felt was at the wrong time and I’m the one who severely affected and traumatized the person that i shouldn’t have been in contact with in such a inappropriate manner and the entire situation was wrong and problematic. 

still being in love with someone that you’ve wronged and hurt in such a big, awful and terrible manner and when that someone rightfully hates you for what you’ve done to them, knowing that you can never ever go back to them ever again, knowing the love is wrong in so many ways, especially when you don’t want to hurt them anymore than you already have and feel like you can’t control your love or the things that you hurt them with in the first place is hard. It’s even worse for me because the person I feel in love with was someone I shouldn’t have at all and it was wrong from the start. That love that I still feel doesn’t compare to the guilt that I live with and feel for what I did to them and for taking that safety and comfort away as another face and another name that haunts them for the rest of their life. it doesn’t compare to how hard that recovery is going to be for them. It doesn’t compare to the hurt they feel. I don’t want any sympathy or pity or anything, no matter how much they think that. I just wish I wasn’t the way I am and did and said the things I did. Even if I fall out of love which will happen eventually, if not soon; it’ll never change the amount of guilt weighing on my shoulders and the amount of stress, pain and trauma I put these people through, these people who just wanted something good to happen to them for once.  

Part of me wants to reach out to them but I also really don’t want to talk to them ever again, for all of us, but it feels so hard to move on, and it feels really gross and pathetic. Ive had people tell me that it’ll take time or that he’ll come back but I know that he won’t and it’s better that way. I just wish I was able to move on already and just get therapy and live with my guilt instead of being so impulsive and hurting them again and again, I’m making his life worse even when I’m not involved and I need to stay off of internet. It’ll only make things worse and hurt people more. I want to get more help and I want to fall out of love with the people I’ve hurt like they’ve fallen out of love with me long ago. That love is not anything more than my affection, passion and my guilt, but it was still wrong of me and I don’t want to feel the way I do for these people anymore I don’t want to hurt these people anymore but I always do, and I keep doing it over and over even when I’m not in contact with them both anymore because of my impulsivity and inability to let go of the fact that I did such a fucking terrible thing. I don’t want sympathy since I’ve the one who did all of this to them all I just want to move past it, I want to let go and leave them alone forever and stop causing them so much pain, trauma and trouble. I want to move on for his sake and safety.