Journal #27

I want him to come pluck the loneliness off of me like their ticks from tall grass. But what a task that is. To find me curled up in the dark, infested. 

Today I saw someone who looked just like an old friend. I went to her high school graduation with her family. I was the only one out of our group to show. She won't be coming to mine. And I am just beginning to grapple with it, but I've been grappling with how she left of her own choice. How she didn't hear me out when I needed her the most. How we did each other's makeup over the sink. 

I don't know, I just got very sad. And I am very sad. I feel like I've fooled him somehow. "You're such a ray of sunshine." I'll never forget those words from the bottom of the metro stairs from the lips of my lover. I feel like all I've ever been is rain, some constant storm. I really wish I were sunshine, that's the truth, but I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can be more than I already am and that scares me.