My Lack Of Action Made It All Worse / Happy Birthday

I like to make it more clear when I write things because I always make things more complicated than it needs to be. The normal text format is my personal writings and journal entry, italics are writings that I’ve directed to you; A letter of sorts, though you won’t be reading this.

____________________________________________

I’m not active on the internet anymore so I can work on getting help, which is something I needed to do sooner. I wish I had never let him back into my messages and convinced myself that staying would be a smart decision, if ever. I wish I never took advantage of him. I pushed him away out of fear before and it did nothing, my lust seeped out again and wrung him by the neck once more. It was comforting to have that safety and help confirmed at the time and get to experience having that person around again, but I crept back into that broken heart and had robbed him of it again and it’s all i ever think about now.What he said stuck with me; “if you truly did care, you wouldn’t be talking about these things again and creating sleep playlists for us” and he was right, he was absolutely right. It was not a spoken phrase but it’s something that is very clear to me, that it feels like it’s something I can actually hear. My actions didn’t reflect that and it’s too late now.

I don’t want to drag you down with me again and I’m sorry that I ever did in the first place. There was and is no excuse for any of this and there was no reason for me to behave in the way that i did to both of you. On top of that, Posting my artwork online after what I did was not okay of me, and I can tell it really affected the both of you. I have nothing to excuse myself for, I was stupid as fuck for thinking it was even remotely okay without it coming off as distasteful, dickish, sociopathic, tacky or insincere, and all I did was dig myself a bigger hole.

Even though I can’t, shouldn’t and won’t reach out to them or anyone else, and I shouldn’t be caring as I’m the one who did this to them, as much as I want to know that they are alive and safe, I know the risk it brings and the pain it causes them and I don’t want to hurt them anymore. I don’t know how you’re doing right now and it’ll have to stay that way. 

You will never see this, you will never read this. you will probably never know this post exists unless you find it somewhere on the internet through some means which even then I know you won’t want to go looking for it and it will stay that way forever. It’s hard, I have so much that I wish I could say, but it’s better that way. I’ve already ruined my chances to be your friend, I’ve already ruined your life, I’ve already hurt you many times and I already know you hate me and never want to see me ever again, as much as it hurts, I understand. 

To you

 To M; I loved you but I’m not IN love with you anymore, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you and regret what I did. I know you hate me more than anything and anyone. I didn’t take into account how much I’ve hurt you and I neglected you and what I’ve done to you over the year. I’ve hurt you so many times and I took so much from you, I really loved you even though I treated you wrong. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you and I’m sorry I really fucked you both over. I hope you got to spend time with the love of your life on his birthday and I hope you’re getting lots of support from everyone.

To R; I hope you had a great time on your birthday and I hope you’re doing well. I hope your big day was a special one and most of all, I hope that with becoming older, that adulthood treats you much better going forward and you get to live your life to the fullest. It will be scary and it will have its challenges, but I really fucking hope that it at the very least is so much kinder to you and treats you better. I’m sorry that I was someone who chose not to do that and I’m sorry that I got those feelings when it was wrong and I’m sorry I couldn’t contain those feelings which were already wrong and gross of me to have, fester and boil into something animalistic and infect your mind and I truly mean that. I’m sorry that I did it to you again. I’m so sorry and I miss you more than anything I’ve missed in my whole life, but you’re not safe around me and I’m glad you’ve realized that and I’m glad you’re looking out for yourself. I wish I had kept it all to myself entirely and had never let it become romantic and lustful and let it subside and I wish I hadn’t tried to be anything more than a friend. You don’t have to believe me though, I will not and can not blame you in the slightest if you don’t, I already know you hate me now. I’ve taken that trust and safety away from you far too many times.

To both of you; I never know how to end these things. Please Keep your loved ones close and don’t take them for granted like I did, not that I would or could ever truly think that either of you could harm anyone ever, especially not like how I had harmed you all. You’re good people who were nothing but kind and caring people to both me and others. I miss you both a lot but this is not me asking to be friends again or anything more. This is not me absolving myself of my actions nor is this me trying to come back into your lives, but simply a letter to you both, which will not be read by you and this is not meant to be a way to reach out to you two directly because even when I’m not direct I just fuck it all up for you both and hurt you every single time I’m sorry. 

Knowing i hurt you is what hurts me the most, and In spite of everything I’ve done to you both, i wish you all the happiness in the world. 

I wish I had told someone that I needed help sooner before i made everything worse instead of being a coward and before I had hurt you both more and more.