life is poetry

nov 4 TW; relapse

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yknow, its nice watching the leaves turn red, yellow, then fall off and die. i think im over thinking it but it reminds me in a way? i dont know which way, but it just does. 

the same way having on a hospital band and blood on my shirt seems poetic. i think it just represents,, idk. its something deep but idk it yet. 

i went home early today because my head was KILLING me. i cant eat either, its so sickening so i went to a clinic. the blood is from a relapse but relapse is apart of recovery ig so its okay

i cant stop sobbing on mondays when i have school, entering that damned building sickens me so deeply straight to my core, even going to the bathroom or lunch doesnt help. i dont even have a favorite class anymore

i know something is wrong but what is it? when i get sick enough ill know because they will see

i cant wait  

i think its to late for me, my addictions if i can even call them that are apart of me, they ARE me. i have whole platforms that are all based on my problems and i get so sad when i dont get attention. 

i feel upset if i dont get THAT specific type of attention. I think its HPD? i dont know. my friend says im 'bpd coded' whatever that means. 

i wish i knew myself, i act so different around different people and different environments

i can quit this whenever i want, deep down im normal.

i should stop with this

i am amazing

im feeling amazing

i love everyone everything

yay

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bye