Immaturity

Why do I feel as if the love that I have to give is childish. Not as mature as the movies where the cool guy does some gesture to prove his love to the girls or some moments between the two that solidifes their happily ever after. But I feel so childish when I try to engage in love like it’s being seen from an innocent, childish, puppy love even if I do all the mature things. I wait until I'm ready, establish boundaries speak so clearly try and be gentle feel like I can't escape this childish cocoon like my relationship is a joke or "not that serious" which is only reinforced from the horrid people around me. I've contemplated and maybe it's my height in some relationships have height differences and while we do it's a quaint 2 or so inches I've never cared not really but when you're taller it seen as more elegant so to speak maybe that could be the contributer of acting we've never gone farther than a kiss on the cheek not that I'm saving it up for anything it's just I never feel like it's the right time even with the pleads of my beloved I just don't feel like it's correct to rush into things unlike the love stories that I consume endlessly I don't want to move swiftly I want it to be slow and methodically like the ticking of gears. Maybe I've doomed myself to this life to never really be taken seriously due to me or the way I present myself maybe I've tricked my own mind into seeing my as a little,  immature, idiotic thing even though I'm the operator of this vessel. Or maybe school is tomorrow and I need to sleep... Yea that also good night all