It’s not a letter

I wanted to live until I was 97 years old. 7 is my lucky number, and by the time I hit my 90’s, I think that I would have accepted death, because by then, I would have lived a good life.

I wanted to finish highschool at least getting into one honors class before I graduated. I never wanted to fail my classes, and I wanted to be active in events and clubs. I wanted to be well-known, or social, but not popular. 

I wanted to leave the state, and go to film school in Chicago. I wanted to work on movies, and one day, I really wanted to direct a movie of my own, but I was fine settling as a film editor as the start of my career. I wanted to get an apartment near school, I don’t think I would have enjoyed living in a dorm, I like to have space, and I definitely would not like sharing it with someone new.

I wanted to work at something local while I was in school, a job with good pay but average in status. Maybe a café, or some kind of fast-food place, maybe even in retail. Over the summer, I would have liked to take an internship somewhere too.

I wanted to get my degree, because I would have been the first man in the family to get one in America. In fact, I would have been the first man in the family to even get to college in the first place.

I wanted to have enough money by then to settle down in a nice suburban neighborhood in Illinois, one to sustain two people for now. I would find work in the film industry, but I also wanted to have a second part-time job. That way, I could help save up for a family home. That would be the home I’d like to live in until I was old.

I wanted to get married when I was in my mid-20’s. I wanted to have a wedding in a church, but I did not want a catholic wedding. I just wanted to get married in a church because I loved the scenery. I’m not a religious man, and although I grew up with catholic tradition, I think this would just be my own choice rather than doing it for the pleasure of god.

I wanted that family home for the same reason in its name, because I wanted a family. To be honest with you, I really wanted two children, but I think having one was the best option for us. I wanted to raise a girl, her name would have been very beautiful, she would have been very beautiful too. I wanted to start my family maybe during my late 30’s, I know that’s still considered young, but I wanted to live long enough to be there for her.

I wanted to watch her grow up in that home. I wanted our family to be happy in that home. 

I wanted to grow with her too. I think we would have a been a very nice family, the three of us. 

I wanted to do so much more, but after having a child, from there I find everything to be a blur. You can’t really expect what life could be after that. However, I knew either way it would be good. I’d be married to the love of my life, my sweet husband, and I’d find comfort knowing our love kept a complete family. Our love, purely by itself, would be the only reason I woke up in a smile. The only reason to feel good, to live.

I wanted everything, all my dreams, all my wishes, to be with you. I wanted my love to be with you. My life, I wanted to share with you.

I want to die when I am 15 years old. I want to die in my sleep. I’m scared of pain, and I’m scared of patience, so knowing death would come when i’d least know it (though greatly expect it), would be the perfect way to die for me. In death, I would be happy, because I’d dream forever a life with you. Then all my wishes would come true, and I wouldn’t have to live with the pain I do.  The shame, embarrassment, jealousy, anger, guilt, and sadness I live with. I wanted to do a lot more things. I wanted to do a million more things. Things, that nobody will know, because death only comes to one, and in one is one’s truth.