Entry #53

im fucking going insane. i feel eyes piercing into my back yet when i turn towards the darkness nothing is there. why the fuck do i even have the bells on my door if they do not chime away evil? is it me, am i the evil? i dont fucking care anymore. boyfriend texts me saying he wrote something, i ask to see, its a long ass poem. talking about how he feels like a bad boyfriend, feels bad for pushing me away, saying no matter how many times i say i love you or its okay that itll feel like nothing, how his ex ruined him, stuff like that and i just want to fucking end my life, im gonna be real. i never knew i could genuinely fucking make someone so upset when im trying to console them and tell them things i thought would be comforting. i do nothing but cause pain to those around me and it feels agonizing. we talk it through and get some things clear. he texts me hours later saying i love you, i say it back asking whats up, he says nothing and that he just wanted to tell me. then apologizes for worrying me today, i say he doesnt need to be sorry because he doesnt. then, goes and tells me not to worry about him anymore. i try to ask whats going on, he completely blows me off and makes me promise, so i eventually promise to not worry about him too much. ive already broken the promise. all i do is worry, theres never a moment where im not restless. even in my dreams i am being haunted by everything. then, he goes offline. what the fuck? im going to fucking go crazy because i was already having an episode and now im just fucking tweaking the fuck out. cutting myself doesnt even numb anything anymore, what will? cant sleep, cant eat, cant cut, cant focus, cant play anything, its hard enough to even type this out. its not his fault, im just overthinking everything. cant even talk about it to no one because no one takes me serious. why? why cant i just be normal? i hate myself so bad.