having no friends in your 20's

i feel like i've been updating here too much. i don't wanna get attached to this place negatively like how i am with every other social media. i'll try to chill out lol.

• mood- 🙁 out of it

• listenin- Fake Happy | Paramore

• START time- 6:25 pm | END time: 7:27 pm

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going to a party where you don't know anyone there but the person who invited you is an absoulute fuckin nighmare for socially anxious hermits such as mysef. and worst of all, you're the only adult because it;'s 17 year old sister's birthday party. i knew i shouldn't have gone when i put my clothes on. i felt it in my gut

I'm gonna have a bad time. i'm gonna regret going. i don't want to go out there. i don't wanna be around all these kids.

i know they're teens but whatever it's all tha same shit.

i know myself. yet i go against myself because i feel like pushing myself out there is the right thing to do or some bullshit. maybe it is. but sheesh, i don't gotta do it every time. when i force myself out the house it typically ends in an uncomfortable and unpleasant experience. i don't know how to communicate with people, let alone a group of TEENAGERS. i don't really know how to be human. i only know how to be me. and i don't feel human. i don't even feel alive most days. oops, got too sad. 

the only thing i did was stand around, stuff my face with food, and occasionally be talked to by one girl who was my sister's "friend". i put friend in quotes bc i don't understand their relationship. they seem to make each other angry a lot. but that ain't my business lmao. the subs weren't very tasty but the deviled eggs were aight. the sugar cookies were top notch of course...til they got covered in flies. them turning off the music was the last nail in the coffin. no way in hell i'm gonna sit around and listen to a bunch of teens scream over sexual/innapropriate card game questions.

i had to leave. 

luckily this party is literally taking place at my house so i could leave literally whenever i want LOLLL. but it was like outside yk? i was so fuckin uncomfortable. i hate bein around strangers. and i especially hate bein around KIDSSSSS. I HATE KIDS. okay i don't hate kids i just find them rather annoying at times. idk what it is about teenagers, but they are almost more annoying to me than snot nosed little babies and toddlers. but thas besides the POINT. 

the point is; i am VERY lonely.

my sister has a lot of friends. everyone around me has lots of friends. i'm the only person who has no one. but like DUH. i don't leave the house. i don't have a job. but honestly i doubt i'd make friends at work anyways. i hate being around most types of people. like all types of people. and i can't make friends online cuz like. idk i don't talk to anyone lol. and it's easier to be yourself online. when i'm in person with people i can easily put on the "i'm around people i have to act like it" mask. but online i kinda. don't have a filter LMAO. which is not always good. sometimes i will say things that i shouldn't because i forget that certain things you say will cause certain reactions. at least you would know i'm not being fake to you if we were to ever talk lol.

so anyways lol,,, like bein around all these people who are all hangin out together while i sit in a corner and watch was just. torture lol. idk what she expected. of course i wasn't gonna enjoy it. but she wanted me to come.

i've heard this sorta thing happens to lonely people too. where you sorta realize DAMN i fr got 0 FRIENDS. like i have NO BODY BRO. i'm so ALONE UGH. but then other days it's like aaaa no one to bother me i'm so happy to be alone! it's so strange. i wonder why does it fluctuate like that? i guess it's just bc yk humans are social creatures. i really don't know how to feel about it. bc i quite like being alone. most of the times. sometimes. but sometimes it's like. ouch. i don't have anyone to talk to. i don't have anyone who shares my interests that i can talk to about said interest. i don't have anyone to HOLD ME AND KISS ME AND TELL ME IT'LL BE ALRIGHT. okay that last one is a different kinda loneliness LOL. BUT IT STILL COUNTS!!!! hell i'd rather have a partner than a friend group. perhaps that's not a good thing but idk lol. some days bein alone/lonely just hits excruciatingly harder than others. especially for me on days like this where i'm around people who do have friends and i'm like hm. damn. i don't have this at all! 

this is yet another factor of my life i don't know how to fix. but i've been this was kinda my whole life? out of my 20 years of living, i can prolly count on 2 hands how many of those years were spent havin friends. and it's less than 10. i always been the quiet kid. i used to be so damn shy that i wouldn't speak to my teachers lol. now i'm not shy. i can talk to people. i just don't want to. or like i can't bring myself to do it. it takes like mental gynastics for me to do something as simple as cmpliment someone's OUTFIT. 

some human interactions make me wanna claw my fucking skin off. like small talk. i FUCKIN HATE SMALL TALK. IDGAF ABOUT WHERE YOU'RE FROM BRO WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE FRIDAY NIGHT FUNKIN' LORE.

isn't it so obvious as to why i have no friends LOL.

i got off topic like a bajillion times. lets end things here.