Journal #26

I've been handling liquor terribly as of late. I mean, certainly not the worst I've handled it, but I just seem to start silently sobbing in reaction to my own doubts. I had no business doubting his reciprocation of love for me because he proved it absolutely ten-fold. I don't know what it was. Usually he's the one thing I never cry about anymore, but I guess I just took some things personally and it was when I thought things out did I realize how stupid I was being. So I asked him to dance and we did. We danced to The Cure and neither of us really knew how to do it, but I love when he twirls me around. 

I think it was the stress of all the uni junk because I'm graduating in a month and I just found out about it. At this rate, I'm going to be late to my own funeral and only realize I've actually died when whatever deity or what spells it out for me when I reach the afterlife. So I think just maybe I flipped out because everything for me is uncertain as for what direction my life could take, but I needn't worry about him. He's the one good thing I can count on always being there even if it means he's got to let me wipe my tears on his good coat. I love him. I love him more than words can describe. 

After the show we went back to his place and cuddled while watching Invader Zim. We must've held each other for a good two hours before his parents got home. He also gave me another bladder snail which is very nice. In return, if we go back to the fish store today or whenever, I'll get him an assassin snail so it can get rid of the ones messing with all the moss in the tank. I'll see how much the moss costs there, too so I can get some for my own little snail ranch. 

There was a saying I saw online that's really helped me when it comes to thinking. "The first thought you have is what you've been taught and the second is what you really think." That certainly comes in handy when it comes to being patient with myself as I sometimes struggle with mean thoughts. Not often, but when I do, I remember this phrase and calm down. For instance, I might be quick to judge based on someone's appearance, but I always find myself scolding myself going They're allowed to exist, too and that shuts my brain right up. My parents always judged people harshly based on looks which I dislike and have unlearned. So if you happen to have thoughts like this know that I think it's probably normal.