Journal #25

Can things stop drastically changing my life unexpectedly? Please? Please????

So, apparently I'm set to graduate by the end of this year? I honestly didn't know until now. I'm still not sure if I am or not. But if I am, I'm sort of really terrified. Like, this is it. This is the rest of my life. I need a job so I can start buying the house or a house. Some house needs to be bought. First order of business is finding work so I can move out and paint my bedroom pink. Maybe my boyfriend will move in with me. That would be lovely. But that's a huge step in our relationship! I guess I'm just trying to find the silver lining in all of this. It's like I have the potential to do anything! (including failing which is the part that scares me.) I'm going to try for an internship somewhere, preferably something online so I can do it alongside having part time work at least. 

In worse news than that, my grant didn't cover my (what I think is) my final semester here which means I've got a debt on my head for about $4K which is NOT fun. The grant was supposed to last me all four years, but I guess not? They must've changed the bracket for income or something because my dad found much better work and moving companies must've fucked up his taxes. So to anyone going into college on the cal grant: the government is a dirty bitch. It's not your friend. 

I got really high last night and it was nice. Spent the evening handing out candy to all the kids with my boyfriend. There wasn't that many on the block, but it was nice sitting on the porch together like old people and listen to him play guitar. Then we watched this stupid scary movie parody it was dumb as fuck. I love when he just reads me because he asked if I wanted the last gummy. I felt so mellow afterward. I don't condone drug use, but sometimes it just feels nice not to feel anxious all the time. 

I know I'm so frightened about change and growing up, but this is my real shot at living and I gotta take it. I've reached one super huge goal of mine, probably the main one, so I don't know what I'm dreading. These are all the little ones I set besides the big one. Y'know what, I'll write them down.

1. Get internship and/or job

2. pay off loan and rent (to buy this house if I decide to)

3. save money for summer trip

4. pick up driving again during winter break. take test in spring

5. Go to Merida with Boyfriend and live like a loon while I can

6. Work on my book

That's just like six things I have to do. I shouldn't worry so much. At least I won't have to walk around campus alone anymore. My boyfriend might not be in town for my graduation, but I know he'll be supporting me which is so much more than I could ask for. I can write full time in between jobs. The world is like my oyster which is insane to think about. I just need to keep working hard at getting it together like I have in the past year and I'll be just fine.