it's halloween! i guess.

i wanna start doin that thing where i put the like mood and what i'm listening too because i think those are super cute. but IDK how to format it yet! lets try it out.

• MOOD: 🙁 lost.

• LISTENING TO: the sounds of my celling fan.

• TIME: 7 something pm

eh. this'll work for now. will try to make it less boring another day lol

i've never really cared for halloween. i just like the candy and if i got to dress up that would be cool too! but it really never meant much to me. but. idk. it does kinda suck a bit that today feels just as dreadful as every other day of my life has been lately. hell, i have NO CANDY!!!! NOT EVEN A LIL PIECE OF NOTHIN!!!! it's times like these where missin bein a kid hits real hard. those good ol days where you went to school and got candy from your teachers, maybe watched a lil spooky movie (but of course it wasn't actually scary it was prolly like some disney shit idk) and marveled at all the kid's cool costumes while you didn't have one because you were fucking poor and your mom thought/thinks halloween is demonic. ahhhhhh those were the timesssss. now it's just. i'm at home. and. i'm sad. just like yesterday. and the day before that. and the week before that. and the months before that. ack, i need some change in my life!

i really wanna change everything. change is so scary, yet it fascinates the hell outta me. i have a lot of ridiculous dreams, like getting laid for example. never gonna happen LOL. but one dream i have is to just up and leave. like pack all my shit and just go somewhere new and never look back. start a new life!!! it seems like so much fun. it sounds terrifying. but i want it so badly. i want to throw myself out into the world, social ineptness and all, and just be free. i guess.

the there's yk REALITY and that shuts down the lovely little dream real quick. i have no money, no job, no car, and i have no idea where i would go in the first place.

i feel so trapped in this life. in this room. in this body. i don't know what to do about it so i just. do nothing. and i self destruct. and self sabotage. and it hurts! it hurts real bad. like right now. itsa hurtin!

i've said a lot of this stuff before. that's how repetitive my life is. every blog post i write is the damn same. even my own personal journal entries. it's always the same shit. nothing ever changes. which is my own fault i guess. i am self destructing because getting better is fucking hard. and therapy is expensive.

happy halloween!