Journal #24

I'm on the brink of actually crashing out, chat. 

Two nights ago, I had a horrible stress nightmare. It was similar to the one I had about a month or so ago where I was sitting on the porch of a house listening to a party going on that I couldn't join. This time, I was following my boyfriend around some house party or something and he'd speak to everyone but me. Which is ridiculous. We've gone out all week after I get out of school so I don't know why I'm so worried of exclusion or of freaking out. I don't know, but it's still scaring me even though I've got a game plan now. I'll bring my earbuds and a littlest pet shop or two and either play the DS games I've got on Delta or fidget with the lps if I don't feel I can assimilate properly. And it's not like my social anxiety is a secret or anything especially to my partner. He knows and he does his best to reach for me when he can, I just need to put more effort into it to meet him halfway so I can at least get a word in. I don't know now I think I'm just overthinking it. It'll be fine. And if it's not, it'll be over and then I can just go home and drunk cry in the comfort of my own bed. 

School is bad. I'm not going to sugarcoat it school is very bad. I have some hold on my account for some financial thing, but it won't tell me on the website what it is so I have to call the office and sort that out today. I had a zoom meeting on Tuesday I was going to go to discuss what classes I needed next semester but I missed it because my mom couldn't pick me up after class and the room I rented from the library continued being used even ten minutes after my time with it started so I had no where to go to do it. I made one next week but I think registration is like today I just didn't get the notification because of that stupid hold. The thing is I checked my plan and no uncompleted classes popped up which is just great because the last thing I need is it telling me I don't need anything else when I probably do. My essay's due at noon but I need like 2 pages left so I gotta lock in but I feel like the stress is gonna kill me first.