God, I hate wanting to get help

WHY MUST MY EMOTIONS BE SO HARD?!! Holy hell do I really want help so bad, I want to treat my illness but I love being sick so bad. I enjoy being mentally and physically weak. I'm not masochistic either, I want to talk to a professional about my ill but I don't want to be diagnosed with something official I want to be like this all the time. I want to be tired and feel unlovable all the time. ERGHHHHH!!