10/30/24 Chechen Wars

October 30th 2024

I keep reflecting about the Chechen wars. Maybe if they didn't happen my life would be different. Maybe I'd have grown up in Russia or Chechnya. Maybe if they didn't happen or they happened differently things would be different, I'd be different, my life would be different. But they won't. When I was born, Grozny was the most destroyed city in the world. My mother was born there. Now it's Gaza. Maybe that's why I feel so strongly about this conflict, seeing history repeat itself. Maybe one day, Chechnya won't be run by an emotionally retarded warlord, some parody of Uday Hussein and Steven Seagal prostituting himself for Putin. Then, I could confidently visit my ancestral homeland. Learn about where my family is from, learn about myself maybe. Maybe, I could even learn Chechen. Those wars ruined many lives, ruined my family, ruined my life too. Maybe it didn't ruin my life, but put me on this path. I don't know if it's the best path but it's the only one I have. I know that I'm taking the right one and doing what I can for the world. I can only imagine what everything in Palestine is doing to the world. One day, it'll all be okay. Video

in the same park october 21st

staring at a blue sky this time

sunshine peering through the needles of the pines and blinding me.

I wince with my head on the ground.

A fly buzzes around intermittently. 

Irritating me.

I have sparring tonight.

I have tomorrow off. 

Soon we’ll be done with bass on the first part of the record, and I can start recording other parts for the first part of the record. 

Watching a squirrel bury nuts in the park. 

It’s cute.

a guy asks me if he can borrow a few bucks for him to buy his brothers lunch. 

He promises he doesn’t want to bother me.

He’s wearing shiny stud earrings, with a fresh haircut, and he’s wearing clean clothes. Adidas sweatshirt. Clean shoes. I tell him I’m broke(true), and I’m waiting for the bus(true). 

One day, I’ll leave Los Angeles and never come back. I just want to move to Tokyo with Cristina. Get fucked up in Golden Gai and meet hot bisexual women. I want to be a white monkey gaijin and get forgotten. I don’t even want to finish this record, or fund it by making 40 designer children for a medical corporation. What a fucking nightmare of a world, no matter which way you turn. Sometimes I wonder if it would’ve been altogether best that I never entered this place. Last night someone messaged me to tell me that Dancing Queen on Heroin helped them grieve the loss of a loved one, and I remember not just why I but why *we* do this. 

Although I can be an asshole sometimes I’m very grateful to have my friends, my comrades alongside me, to lift this musical flag over the proverbial reichstag. I remember that we have to do it, have to achieve what is impossible, for everyone around us who has believed in us from the start. To make this musical exorcism take place, to cry in the wind and pray that these anguished vibrations can extinguish any flames in the world if at all. I continue to prepare for January 4th which I know will be the most important show for us to play. 

october 22nd

one day not even thoughts will be reserved for you. they’ll be scheduled and planned without your consent.