(this post is from tumblr. i deleted it off of there and decided to put onto here bc i think i'm gonna completely revamp that blog but also i want to archive these thoughts ig? i don't like deleting things lol. perhaps i will private this later idk but for once it's not a super depressing one so i don't mind leavin it up)

i don't think i want to do art as a career.

this is a very hard conclusion i've had to come to recently. like, i don't like sayin it. i don't want to admit it, but i think it's true. i've been wanting to talk about this for a while because it has kinda been plaguing my mind for several months at this month. basically all fuckin year since i've been without a job for i think almost 2 years (it'll be two years this month actually lol) and i've only been able to make money by doing commissions. so it has got me thinking about art jobs and stuff.

and i fucking hate doing commissions. like i hate it a lot.

ever since i was a kid i've always hated drawing things for people. even if i was given money or some kind of reward. i never liked it. i was a huge pushover tho so i didn't always refuse. when people wanted me to draw things for them i was so bothered and uncomfortable because 99% of the time it was some character i didn't like or care about or it was something that i COULDN'T FUCKING DRAW CUZ I WAS LIKE 12 or something like that. it was so annoying. like no random uncle, i don't wanna make a logo for your small business, i'm not a fucking graphic designer i draw fat tiddied cartoon women.

mini tangent real quick for i get a back into the topic at hand; i fuckin hate how people that don't know shit about art view artists. like they don't understand the different types of arts and styles and not EVERY ARTIST MAKES THE SAME TYPE OF ART.

k tangent over.

commissions and drawing for people. yes. i hate that. so why did i open my commissions in the first place? if i'm being completely honest i don't really remember why i did it lol. there's two possible explanations;

1. i felt like that was the next course of action because i started getting more followers on instagram and stuff and i was just doin what the other artist were doin and they were openin comms
2. people my whole life have been tellin me that i need to make money with my art and probably felt like i had to

i feel like it was a mixture of both and idk i wanted money lol.

i can't remember if i hated it then too. from what i can remember i don't think i entirely enjoyed it but i guess because i wasn't getting a lot it didn't bother me much. and honestly i think i was getting comms for things i didn't mind drawing. but as i started to get more, i could feel the disdain for it start to grow more and more. i don't really like drawing other people's characters because uh..................i don't typically like how they look lol. it's just really rare that i've been given money to draw a design that actually interested me. and yk it's not just that. it's also i'm just fuckin selfish. i only like drawing things i like. and that, my friends, is where the big issue comes in.

i don't like drawing things i don't want to.

and also

i don't like studying art.

i fucking hate the fundamentals. they are so

fucking

BORING.

i don't wanna draw cubes or stress myself out tryna figure out what fuckin colors work with what and all this it's so BORING to me. it's like PAINFULLY boring. like i wanna KILL MYSELF when i'm doing them. that is barely an exaggeration. i hate it that much. and it's a horrible thing to admit, i know. and well truth is without a decent grasp on the fundamentals you can't really get very far career wise. or like at all. you can't improve like at all actually lol. because of my hatred for the fundamentals, at an early age i never studied them or practiced them and fucking doomed myself for all eternity because now i CAN'T like at all. the only "fundamental" i can do without wanting to die is gesture drawing. like i'm not even kidding that's IT. not even figure drawing. i hate realism. it's too hard and it's boring and yeah it's impressive but dude i don't give a fuck. i don't wanna learn the muscles. i don't wanna learn bones. it's so FUCKING BORING AND STRESSFUL AND STUPID AND I FUCKING HATE ART.

i just wanna draw cartoons.

and (to circle back round to the topic lol) i can't have a mindset like that if i want to have a career in art. i can't. in real human art careers you have to draw things you probably don't wanna draw all the time. and that

that kinda sucks lol.

so. yeah.

i don't know. just a very tough pill to swallow. i wasn't born with the natural drive to work through my issues and follow my dreams. i was born to give up and fail. it really sucks. because it was kinda a dream of little me. they wanted to be an animator. i still want to be an animator. but i never animate anymore. the little drive i had has been almost completely sucked out of me by my worsening depression. there's still part of me that wants to have some form of art career. SOMETHING. anything that requires art at all in any form. but i'm just so depressed lol. it hurts so much. i can't do ANYTHING like this. like i can't even draw casually because i'm just so drained and sad and i hate myself and nothing is ever good enough and i'll never be good enough because i don't have that natural drive that other people were born with.

ANYWAYS.

....

i left to eat dinner and i don't remember where i was going with this. shiit. it's too long anyways imma just stop here lmao.