Connecting with people (rant)

What up yall, back at it AGAIN with another rant post.

I don't know; connecting with people to any degree has always been extremely challenging. The reason I have any friends at all (two who I'm pretty close with and the other who we talk every once in a while, but I appreciate and value a lot regardless) happened by pure chance. I mean genuine luck. I won't get into it, but believe me I had no active role in the beginning of those friendships.

And now I'm in college. and it's different, because of course it is, and I knew that before going to college. But still. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about college- I know that this is a personal issue that's, one way or another, all on me. 

I guess I'm just a little sad. Halloween is my favorite holiday, and there hasn't been a year so far that I haven't Trick-Or-Treat-ed on (yeah, I get that I'm Older now; sue me). It's not just that, it's that I've always had people to trick-or-treat with. I'd just like friends, I guess. Or to know how to make them. I'm not really sure. And as far as I've been told, my friends are doing fine at that where they are. Obviously I don't know this for sure, and I know I shouldn't compare myself, but still. 

Im gonna dress up tomorrow, go through the motions, and then maybe stop by a campus halloween party. And I hate that I haven't made any friends, and even the people I talk to I can't ever get a grip on myself to Be A Friend. I don't know what's wrong with me. 

And in the middle of writing this me and my friends started making plans to hang out on our next break from school, and I am genuinely really grateful that they're my friends. I just wish that I was normal. Or, well, not normal, but just able to make friends. My speech is Wrong, and I don't know how to have conversations, or how to hang out with people. I'm surprised I have any friends at all, even if they are however many miles away at their own respective colleges.

Im geeky and nerdy to a fault though, and even though my parents attempt to hide it I can tell that even they can't really stand it. I wanna talk about Spock, and ancient Vulcan society, and history behind Sci-Fi and how fandom and fanfiction has impacted society, and Shadow the Hedgehog, and lego sets and which Weezer album is the best (it's Pinkerton. No one asked but holy shit I love Pinkerton)--- Cus those things make me happy. Those are a lot of the things that genuinely make me excited and make me me. and I get that obviously theres a time and a place for those things, but when it comes to trying to form some sort of connection with people it seems that the time and place is never and nowhere, cus the minute I mention anything too me I can tell that it's not a good idea, and that I just blew or am about to blow this whole conversation, cus even though they asked me about what I like, I clearly picked the wrong answer by actually responding.

I just keep thinking that maybe one day I'll be able to meet people who share my interests in real life. I just want to be friends with people and have things in common and be able to talk and i don't know. I think it's just the Holiday getting to me. I really am fine with being alone, or at least I'm okay with it. 

Maybe one day when I'm older and have a career or a full time job or something I'll set aside time and go to a Star Trek con, or a comic con or something and I'll feel like I belong. I don't know if I've ever felt like I've belonged. And that's not just about the nerdy stuff-- if it was than that wouldn't be much of a problem.. I mean in general. I always feel out of place and it's uncomfortable and awkward and I want to always apologize for existing in whatever space I'm in because I can tell I'm making it awkward cus I don't know how to be anywhere. 

Well. Don't know how to sign this one off--

later lol