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I have had this issue going on since last year? Turning 18 made me discover a lot of things about myself. I had a lot of self-reflection going on up until now. Okay, so my problem isn't that big and it isn't the end of the world just because I feel like I'm slighted every day by family and friends for being different in an environment where people are open-minded a bit but not by much. I was always afraid of ending up alone in the end here because I didn't have any like-minded individuals in my life. Everyone's opinions differ from mine. I didn't have a friend with the same music taste as me but that isn't something I worry about. What I worry about is the idea of coming out and being who I really am. My family aren't very open-minded, unlike my sister but even she isn't reliable. And then there are my college buddies with that I feel like I have a good friendship going on but at the same time, I doubt they consider me a friend since no one barely message me if I don't initiate it first or just for class related topics whatsoever other than only one person I know of there that actually made an effort in being my friend, even if we aren't close. The thing is, I am pansexual and sometimes I act openly gay around my friends even though I will always bring up that I'm just joking because I don't want them to feel disgusted being friends with a fag. Where I come from, things like that are frowned upon. People may pretend to feel fine with it but I am aware that deep down no matter how much you pretend you are an ally, you will never separate religions from anything when you grew up instilled with faith in God. I do have a bit of faith in God but I lacked much of it because my religion made me fear myself. Being genderfluid is difficult and being someone who could love anything human is even harder. I struggled alone. Although I have an understanding best friend (My only real best friend) who doesn't judge me and tries to help as much as she can, I am only a human. I feel bad for always being negative over everything but I find it hard to feel positive even though I acted like I'm the most optimistic human being on earth. Sometimes, I am selfish and I always want more than what she could give. If anything, I craved genuine love and a deep bond but she's not... well, bend in any way, unfortunately. I try to not make it a problem but it hurts a bit because she knows all of me and yet, I couldn't have someone like her for myself.
Another thing, I have never met anyone as boring as me. I have no actual interest that stays as an identity other than my new interest in My Chemical Romance and then I feel like it's too late for me to like their stuff but then again, I also don't give a fuck. But sometimes I did because I didn't have someone that I could talk hours to about them. So yeah, it's a mess around here. I'm a mess.
Not to mention, I tried to run away from home two months ago and it didn't go well either. I hated going to college because I didn't like the course I chose. I wanted to be a writer and a musician but my dear mother would protest, saying I wouldn't make much money from it. I know she's right. But I just want to be happy for once. Like, truly happy. Euphoric, which is almost impossible for me.
Well, sorry for this longass rambling of a scumbag. There's just too much on my mind right now.
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Amadeux Xandros
Fellow transgender man who is 22 here.
I'm not trying to dissect your blog or anything but there are some things I want to tell you regarding your post. Overall though if you don't want to read every single one, the TLDR of it all is that: the realization that you're going to be alone, especially as a queer person is normal. Being queer, especially transgender, is a uniquely isolating experience, doubly so when people around you don't accept that part about you. You need that community, so I really would suggest trying to at least find some online friends who are queer that you can talk to, find some kind of community group you can meet with. There are people out there that, even for the temporary, are looking for friends and need friends. It's really important for your mental health, but cis people and trans people just unfortunately have some experiences that are so different that it's impossible for most people to relate at the level you need. Trans people especially need tribes when the world is striving for us to not exist anymore.
Honestly if people are actively saying things against your opinion, and that's all the information you receive in your life, it can be really difficult. Even I have one person in my life who has caused a lot of rifts within my own family because he has a contrary opinion and will make it known when he's displeased with other people's POV. Being a black sheep like that is incredibly hard for humans, we're meant to be in a community and we heavily rely on the connections around us. It's how we were made to operate, so rejection can be a big deal. Don't discount that. It's not okay if you're just existing as a queer person. You didn't choose it, and there's nothing morally wrong with it either.
But being alone is probably one of the hardest things that our generation, or really any young adult generation has to go through. But in the end, we are the only people we live with all our lives. We wake up with ourselves every day, and in the end when we go we'll be the only ones that go in the ground. Having connections is important, but if you can find any way to rely on yourself, build trust in yourself and even just like who you are, being alone becomes less and less of a bother. Personally I'm trying to work on it too, I've had a lot of people that I used to know move away and it's scary. Change and being alone is scary, but friends can really help if you're not in a place to be able to be alone. It's okay to be scared of that. I'm scared of that right now and I'm 4 years older than you. People in their middle ages freak out if they're not married. For the most part, no one wants to be alone, but it will happen at some point. Preparing for that and trying to at least find or make a circle in the face of rejection is honestly my only advice. But you'll get through it and survive!
If someone is trying to put effort and text you first, honestly they may be a person who will be understanding. They want to talk to you, so maybe if you become closer with them, they'll be more likely to be open-minded and help alleviate some of the pressures you're facing. You never really can know how people react until you ask. If you can't handle the rejection that's okay, but just know if people reject you because you're queer, they're not worth having around anyways.
It's good that you're aware of what she might not be comfortable with, and I've had this same thing before too. It's always depressing because all you have is "what could be"-- the perfect version of a relationship because it hasn't happened yet, or won't happen. When people know you that intimately it's only natural to want more. You're tired, trying to hide who and what you are every day from the people who should care about you without any reservations, dealing with the lonliness, the state of the world, all of it. In my opinion, you need to give yourself some credit for how far you have come. It's okay to want things. I was Christian for a long time, but as much as Christianity can make you feel loved during the lonliness, the religion likes to make you feel that if people around you don't accept you, it's because you're a bad person somehow. Just know that you're not bad or morally corrupt somehow, it's not "selfish" to want someone like your friend to know you that intimately. It's not bad to want her to love you, romantically or deeper or otherwise. It's just something that you want. Almost everyone in the world wants love.
I hear this a lot but I really don't believe that people are ever boring. The things you like more are vehicles to talk to people who may have the same perspective as you. Just because you don't always have interests you're obsessed with at any one time doesn't mean that your perspective of life doesn't align with others. It's not too late really, I know people who were born after their popularity who like them. You're on a myspace clone, even. If you can find an emo discord server that's accepting I'm sure people would be excited to give you recs.
You're not a scumbag. You're just human, dude.
I hoped this helped somehow, if it didn't just take it with a pinch of salt. I'm just an internet rando.
Thanks for like, dissecting my late night rambling. I just felt kind of soured and alone. I don't think you knew how much your words were going to mean to me, so again, thank you for taking the time to read whatever essay I wrote there. Being queer can be mentally exhausting if the environment I'm in isn't supportive of it. Although I try to not give up on life like I did a month ago when I attempted. I'm a little okay now, but it still sucks I guess. If you don't mind, it would be nice to have a friend online who's quite similar to me? Because you're a trans man right? Sorry if I sound too awkward but I guess what I mean is if you wouldn't mind being a friend. No pressure though and it's alright if you don't want to. Anyhow, your advice will not be taken with a pinch of salt. I'll try my best to follow up on your advice!
Thank you again, random internet stranger.
by EfialtisUndead; ; Report
No you're totally fine! I'll send you a request right now, because I totally get what you're going through. I just wanted you to know that if the people around you don't, there's at least people out here for you.
You can Instant Message me here at any time, or I can give you my discord/instagram in instant message, any of them work. It's good to meet you and I'm glad I could help at least a little bit :)
by Amadeux Xandros; ; Report