something is lingering.

vent 

today i went to see my third new high school for a second time. it was good, i got to see more of the school and my parents liked it. it should have felt perfect. i mean, this was exactly what i had imagined alternative schooling would look like a year ago and even better. the school has a cafe, a library with whole sections on psychology. everyone seemed happy and the whole building felt freeing but mature. structured, which is what i want. 

but the whole thing felt off. like something was lingering in the background, in the future. watching over my shoulder. Maybe it was just stressful seeing the main cause of all my mental issues at the moment, my mother, clashing with the thing i see almost as a potential saviour. Maybe it was hearing the principal in that meeting talking about the years ahead and my head spinning because i dont wanna hear or see dates and years anymore. 

whatever it was, i felt like something was telling me this. 

“something bad is coming. it isnt this school, but something bad is going to happen very soon.” 

which is what ive been told for weeks now but, i felt like it was more loud when I was at my school. it sounded more real. maybe its my future self, i dont know. 

I had another weird dream this morning. I was desperately trying to escape my house. I drove around this unfamiliar town in a car, knowing my mother and grandma was looking for me. I went into a building, kind of looked like a bank from a mid 90s movie. I covered in bruises and cuts. half sobbing, I asked to the men in suits sitting in chairs. “um… excuse me sir, d-do you know where the nearest airport is..?”

one of the men put his newspaper down, I remember feeling horrified that the men were going to judge me. but he looked at me with a blank expression saying “if you want to leave the town, you should take the entrance. Just drive through there and you’ll be out.” 

I said thank you and left. I dont know why I keep having dreams about my parents. it was like how after they hurt me 200 days ago I kept having nightmares about them. its happening again, isnt it? ive been dissociating horrifically, these tiny little things feel like stabs in my head… its just like how i was at the start of this year. i told myself when i turned 14 that this year was going to be my healing year. I think nothings changed at all, I think maybe its gotten worse. no, it definitely has. and its all my family’s fault. I feel so horrible and scared and its only getting worse as the year is ending. I have to keep reminding myself though that I have everything right to feel this way. My mother is getting more controlling, my chronophobia is getting worse as its nearing new years, i live in an extremely dysfunctional and confusing household, i have no fucking idea if my school is going to be okay and I have to lie every single day and keep a perfect face in front of my family until I can finally say what I want. so shits really bad right now! and i have every right to feel horrified. but i also cant help but think of something else. 

after i move, things will never ever be the same again, will they. This year will be my first Christmas spent in a new home. my grandma’s moving too, so ill never get to see my real childhood home again. Im never going to experience childhood carefreeness after this year, not that I ever really was but… it’s set in stone now. Next year, and most likely every year after that until i turn 18 im going to half to put on a mask around my family to protect myself from ever being hurt like that ever again. Im going into every family gathering, meetup and celebration knowing im a liar and nobody will ever know until i decide to share it with them. and thats exactly what I want, its just a huge thing that im gonna be treating my family like theyre strangers to me from now on. 

I feel like each year of my life can probably be described in one word. The year i turned 13, or as i like to call “year one” can probably be summed to Self. This year is Fear. and next year is probably Change. if everything goes right, i pray that when i turn 17 that year will be

Escape