fuck it

guh. rn i REALLY wnna drop school and just idk be a poet or write for money. 

so things in school have been! i have a laptop, wifi, phone, and roof over my head and just everything what most teenagers would ask for! then the shit train tags along and honks it's goddamn egregious horn. 

CHOO-FUCKING-CHOO ur comfort in life trial has expired ! like. shit. im sick of it i wanna go over and just give up and runaway.

everything falls apart, and i feel so fucking isolated, ive felt the loneliest again in my life again, sure they tell me distract urself.

"just get over it" "just move on" fucking hell and i hear the excuse thrown at me, no, wait, HURLED at me "Everybody comes and goes" oh my god in heaven why do you care if everybody comes and goes? people like u have shitty double standards u say that and yet u go needing someone too. god. school has been ruined for me, and not because it's hard or there's a lot to do (although there are a lot to do but that's besides the point).

i feel isolated, since the 2nd week of september and i blame myself every-fucking-day for me to be just struck by lightning. 

...but, yknow, i cant drop school even if i really wanted it. im in pain (mentally and physically), been to the hospital a couple of times, ECGs, scans, tests and i wished i could just. FADE not die, but FADE like spiderman did it in Endgame.

i could never drop, and why exactly do i wanna? i'm too ashamed to ever speak about it. i'll be pointed and laughed at so fucking hard that i'll turn blue like a kite in an instant and just flop on the floor from SHEER embarassment...

i wish i cld drop and just dissapear, i just, rlly dont wanna dissapoint anyone anymore. but what do i know?