Journal #22

Goodness, all day I've been thinking and thinking and wanting to write and now that I'm here, I don't know how to begin this entry. 

Perhaps I should start with Halloween. It's already this Thursday and I'm a bit troubled by it. My boyfriend wants us to go hang out with the girl we met in L.A. and believe me, I think that sounds really nice. We'll go to a party, have some drinks, I'll dress as Gir - it's gonna be a good time. But my main worry is regarding those attachment issues and whether I should drink or not. It's one thing when me and him get drunk somewhere together and have our own little space to talk and say whatever comes to mind, but when someone else is there, my panic sense goes off like they're pressing a loaded rifle to my back. However, when it comes to social interactions with strangers, the alcohol tends to do absolute wonders to open me up to small talk which I find I can't normally do without those aforementioned feelings of distress. I'm just worried that I might drink and allow my weird, awful attachment issues get in the way of everything. If I had my own friend I could invite, that would help greatly, but unfortunately that isn't, and most likely will never be, the case. I don't know. I'm just worried I'll fail to take care of myself. I don't not want him to have friends that's completely not it. I just don't want to be excluded or abandoned for someone "better" than me. It's difficult not to compare myself to other people but I think that's really the key here if I want to get better and not freak out and ruin things. 

Uni is still uni and I've got exams back to back this week and next. They're more like papers, but it's English so they're synonymous with each other. My paper's due this Thursday at noon which definitely doesn't relax me alongside the whole being a social wreck thing. And I know being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to be the most perfect, flawless, well-adjusted person on earth to make it last or to be worthy of love, but goodness how it makes me want to try. He doesn't deserve knowing what it feels like to not have anyone to invite out with him, whether it be me or someone else. It's an awful thing, loneliness. That's why I have to be good and patient so he can make friends and I won't worry and ache so much. Even if I spend the night in some stupid costume drinking in the background while they talk, he'll still love me all the same.