el coyotito

i was on one of those roblox diner hangout games last night because i really liked my avatar's fit (it's one of javier escuella's fits, the character from rdr2. i've been so obsessed with him lately; i'm listening to the songs he sings in game rn and the title of this entry is literally one of the songs) and wanted to just admire it LMAO :p 

so i was sitting on a barstool and listening to music while reading people talk in game. being on roblox makes me realize that i am older, that i'm not the little kid that made an account in 2013, and that i'm beginning to outgrow roblox's target audience LOLZ. everyone on there sounds so young, with jokes that i can't understand the humor of. i'm not old by any means but it was still an oddly sobering experience.

there's was this guy that caught my attention though, he was talking with another guy that i am 95% sure was trolling him. the guy was very clearly insecure and distant in that awkward teenage way of wanting people to know you're in pain but being too guarded to truly let people in through superficialities. and i cringed, lightheartedly, at this.

something i've noticed is that outside situations, people, etc. that make me cringe or make me feel disgust are always in some way a reflection of myself. i was that kid, maybe still am (which scares the shit out of me to consider), that so desperately wanted out of my insecurities, showed this pain to others, but never divulged deep into the insecurities' roots.

i worry about being that person. after clumsily tumbling through relationships, both romantic and platonic, i am scared of showing others the depths of my misery. it only makes others uncomfortable at best, miserable with me at worst.

there's so many regrets i have about how i navigated my interpersonal relationships. i wish i was kinder to others and to myself, i wish i protected myself from people who didn't have my best interests in mind, i wish i had healthier relationships growing up.

i'm sure there's healthier ways of looking at it. there's thoughts in my head chastising me for being so pessimistic and that the exchange of love is also supposed to be uncomfortable. love is being uncomfortable with the person you care about. there's nothing that can be changed about how i've lived my life thus far; all i can do is carry on the best i can and expand my understanding of life bigger than the pain i have. 

there are recurring images of being loved i think about. physical affection, mostly. i wish for warmth, to hold someone tightly, to stare and admire, to listen to a soothing voice, to dance and sing with someone. i wish for something tangible.

i need to get out more.