ángel de amor

romantic love is difficult!

i've settled with being single but i also feel this sort of mourning for my ability to love and be attracted to others. my capacities for romantic attraction are confined to daydreams and vague, repeating mental images of being loved (embraces, kisses, closeness, the warm feeling of trust, being loved despite my mental illness).

it feels like i've lost my ability to romantically connect with others. i feel like i'm just not made for romance, that there is something within me that keeps people away, and these feelings devolve with my hyperawareness. because if i'm insecure about myself and my worthiness of love, i am not ready for romance, and if i'm not ready for romance, will i ever be? will i always be stuck yearning for romantic connection?

i try to tell myself that romantic love isn't the only way i can fulfill that want for connection, and i've most definitely enjoyed being single sometimes. but ow! sometimes it is painful!

i look at myself and know that there is no way that someone can romantically commit to me, not when i'm still fractured in so many ways. i worry that i need to fix myself to be loved, and this task is so difficult when my mental illness feels intrinsic to my personhood.

i've settled with pretending to be loved and continuing on with my life the best that i can.

god give me an actual love life. or stronger antidepressants.