giving up

my life is filled with filth. i have never get to enjoy anything in my 17 years of life. anything. i never tried drugs, i never drank alcohol and even smoked a cigarette, yet i feel like im wasted every single day. my brain is empty of thoughts, i can't focus on anything. i can't function like a human being yet every single day i think to myself "i wish i was normal, i wish i wasn't like this." 

but i never try to improve. i never try to change. i feel like if i ever do anything to achieve something (trying something as simple as cleaning my room or taking a shower or even start to read a book) something bad will happen. i live with severe paranoia. i never try anything new because i'm scared i'll fail.

i decided to put an end to this. i'll either try to improve my life or commit suicide. i feel like there's hope. i still feel like there's hope. 

i'll be on hiatus, who knows, maybe i'll actually clean my room and focus on my life today.