no buses

i went out to walk my dogs tonight and i decided to listen to my arctic monkeys playlist! it's been so so long since i last listened to them, probably since middle school, and now i'm in college. that's INSANE. i'm forever astounded by the progression of time and my subsequent aging (i say as if i'm not still young LOL). 

i made a playlist of some of the arctic monkey songs i liked on my spotify, if you care to listen. :p the title of this blog is actually an arctic monkeys song that i was listening to a few minutes ago.

but yeah! there's a mirror near my front door, so i looked up at myself while listening to my playlist and it was like that one undertale art meme that was like "despite everything, it's still you". so much is different and yet still the same. my hair is way way longer, now almost long enough to reach my hips. it's also dyed (more so faded out; i haven't retouched my hair in a year), although it's a different color than what i envisioned at the time (i was REALLY obsessed with gray hair for some reason...). i'm still. short...... i even shrunk. i don't like thinking about that /j. 

but that's all superficial. there are fundamental changes permanently written into the core of my personality that i won't ever be able to change. my flimsy foundations crumbled and it genuinely didn't feel like i could ever restore myself. i never fathomed being old enough to worry about college, too, and i'm glad i have the privilege to. 

i speak in riddles and vague imagery, and i think it isn't really helping substantiate my blog entries, but also this is for myself, mostly. my words are full of meaning and lore to me, and i think that's enough.

before writing this entry, i also thought about how much evidence of myself exists in the world. within a small radius, though, but plenty of puzzle pieces on who i am.

i write in my journal, write what i'm grateful for, decorate the pages, draw, draw, draw. i write here, write in blurry images that only fully appeal to me. i type in a notes app because the sound of typing is so soothing, typing is so much easier than writing sometimes, and the medium of symbols on my computer screen can sometimes convey a specific feeling i cannot through other means. i talk, talk so much, talk in circles and circles on a youtube channel in privated videos.

it's hard to have people witness me. which sounds ironic, given that i'm willingly and semi-openly writing here, but i know for the most part that very little people see my blog entries. i don't have to talk to a person, look into their eyes (the only visible part of the brain, i remember my psych professor saying, the window to the soul, window to true thoughts and feelings). i'm vomiting my feelings out into the vast unknown to keep them from infesting and rotting my heart. 

for the most part, my journaling and endless rambles are for myself to witness. i've always been so scared of myself, but i've always been the one to keep myself company, to hear my own thoughts.

can you tell i'm an only child LOLZ

it's already late and i have a test tmrw T_T i'm never good at finishing thoughts, so i'll end this entry here.