Speaking To The Void [Entry Three]

hello, 

the body remembers what the mind forgets. october 25th marks the day of 4 years gone by since my life fell apart. things are much better now. however i believe that my consistent paranoia and anxiety is a result of what happened.

you may be wondering what did happen, to which i must preface before i tell this, i was 16. i was naive, i was irresponsible, i was not a good person- i was a kid. i don't want to make excuses, especially for the people i've hurt and just how much damage i've done to myself, however i don't want to be angry at a confused and scared kid. 

on october 25th, 2020, i went through a breakup. we were only together for maybe 5 months, but i was happy with him. when we broke up, i was in a depressive state, school and home life was awful, my mental health was taking a dive, and instead of seeing his break (2 weeks before the breakup) as a good thing, i lashed out. on him, on my friends, anyone who happened to witness how i was. and i regret it. it's one of many things i still have guilt towards. following that, i almost immediately started talking to someone else. we started officially dating in december 2020, and broke up around march 2021 due to my own mental health and some beliefs he held that i did not feel safe around. i still have trauma from both relationships.

i suppose now that i remember what happened in this time period, it makes sense that mental health is declining. but i feel backed into a corner and alone once again. it feels so stupid to still think about these things when its been 4 years now, i've been in a happy, healthy relationship for the last 2+ years. 

i don't know how to cope and i'm afraid. 

bye for now,

ace