Speaking To The Void [Entry One]

hello,

i had a bit of a night. i was really sick, i might've greened out? it was worse than the usual sick spells i have, but i've never done that before so i don't know. but shaking on the floor next to the bathtub with extreme nausea while still feeling pretty high is definitely a new experience. i slept through my alarms and was late to work, so i guess i learned my lesson there. 

my girlfriend is asleep right now, i love her. i hope she's okay. i'm worried. she knows that i am. 

i've been looking a lot into psychosis and paranoia, what psychosis episodes can look like. i'm experiencing a lot of new symptoms and i'm not sure if it's just bipolar disorder that i have, though people with bipolar can experience psychosis. i've had hallucinations for years, but i didn't realize i never told my doctor. i meant to bring that up to him yesterday. he's very quick paced, my appointment was less than 5 minutes. i've been seeing him for at least 6 years. 

i've noticed i get paranoid very easily. especially at night. my family usually leaves me to watch the dogs for hours at a time while they go out and do god knows what, and i get worried about break ins. i triple check that every door is closed, and i always have the dogs in the same room as me. i usually keep the lights on and make sure the house is silent, no music, no tv shows or movies, no games, nothing. sometimes i'll scroll instagram, twitter, tiktok or even facebook, but not for long. the dogs like to bark and growl at nothing, especially at the patio door; it's permantly locked on the inside door, so no one can get in. i still have intrusive thoughts and nightmares about it. i try not to sleep when i'm home alone, but that's often my only time of peace. 

i think we may be splitting soon, i have a headache that no amount of medicine is fixing. but i don't have anyone who can help me right now, i'm afraid this one can't be solved internally. my head hurts. i'll find a solution.

my therapist gave me homework, i see her tomorrow. but i haven't really done it yet. i have the outline, but this week has been hard. i cleaned for 6 and a half hours on saturday and still haven't physically recovered, i'm in pain. on top of that, i tried asking my mom about rent and i told her that she's been really hurting my feelings lately. she blamed every financial problem they have on me. she told me i'm not only fucking them over, but my little brother too. i guess she isn't wrong. i want to disappear. i can't wait to cut them out of my life. i need to move out. i don't really have the money to do that. i need $4k before i can even think about leaving. but my girlfriend said i can live with her. so i might do that. jump ship and leave everything here behind. 

i don't really have anything keeping me here. i have a friend, but i don't really even know if he sees me as a friend too. i don't want it to be transactional, but there's not a lot i can do being under 21 and him 22. plus i don't really like bars and clubs. they're too loud. i've only ever had one drink. it gave me an awful headache after. 

i hold hope that things get better. they do for a little while, then it all crashes down on me. oh well. i need to finish a drawing, i'll share it later

bye for now,

ace