22/10/20XX - im tired of being hurt

its been a while since ive made a diary entry but i think i should make one to update a few things before december. before i move.

I have a really bad feeling about moving. it'll be better in the long run for me for sure, ill finally have a bedroom on the second floor and all these things. but my mum, shes gonna go crazy i think. Ive anyalsed why shes being so bizarre about my sleep meds and tech all of the sudden and now i know why. shes trying to "fix" her life. not in the way she normally does though. she would normally get angry about something related to me or not, remember her lifes a mess and then come and berrate me about something i need to fix in my/her life.

she did it not too long ago. i dont think i really did anything, but im a scapegoat so she had to find something wrong. she made a comment about something with a tone in her voice that was more angry than usual so i went into my room, turned my laptop off, hid my 3ds under my pillow and started writing in my journal. but i dont like writing in my journal without music, and i thought even though my mum was mad she wouldnt mind me just using spotify. she came in and agressively asked "what are you doing??" and asked why i was hiding my phone (i wasnt really). i said i was just listening to music and she went off about how i shouldnt be able to do that and that i mustve done something to my phone and laptop and stuff. its the usual but it still makes me feel scared.

I ended up just leaving my room and writing in my journal outside. my brother asked what i was doing outside and i didnt say but we went into my room and he brought his ipad and i thought that mum wouldve turned his stuff off too. but... she didnt. he was able to access everything and my mum went in to berrate me again but she saw my brother was there and allowed him to keep showing me videos on his ipad. i knew it. i fucking knew she was targeting me. i just didnt expect it to be so obvious.
a few days later and she told me she actually bought those amazon echo things so that when we move out she'll take my tech and phone and shit put it in a box overnight and replace it with the echo thing. i do not trust my mother with anything, honestly. so i was horrified. the only thing i can think of to fix this is to wait until i get a job and get one of those cheap phones from coles. its not too far away but i still have to get through 7 weeks of holidays and the first few months of school. but i was still terrified, i felt a sense of extreme dread for almost a week. and there was one day where i was so scared all day and i was laying in bed screaming in my head "I CANT LET HER CONTROL ME..." and then, a voice came in and said
"then what are you doing now?"
i like to imagine thats my future self. and i felt so much calmer. i know that something bad is going to happen but i cant let my mother make me feel so horrible.

even then, i know for a fact something bad is going to happen soon. a storm is on the horizon. today my mum found out im using my iphone now and im praying that by december she wont remember my other phone. i think when we move into our house, shes gonna start trying to fix everything. and once she realises that nothings changed, because she will eventually... i dont know whats going to happen. but its going to be bad and im really scared. I had a dream where my parents got divorced. it was the most hopeful i felt in months. it wasnt real, i wish it was. i just wish my dad could see these things are happening but i know even if i told him he would excuse it. i cant bring myself to hate him. i dont know why.

I... feel like im being watched. all the time. my mother, im scared shes gonna find stuff like this. even right now i feel like im being watched. i keep having dreams about her doing horrible things to me, when i go to bed at night i constantly stare at the shadows at my room and think someones gonna kill me. im so scared. im so hurt. im so alone. im tired of waiting for good things to come only for nothing to change. im so sick of being hurt by my family. i cant trust anyone.