bluh. numbpilled as ever. trudging on. the world is black and white, lets focus on both sides whydontwe.

ЧЕРНЫЙ//ブラック//أسود

it could be worse.

i am thankfully inside of a hotel room right now, thanks to jay deciding to text me "yo you can come stay the night or whatever if you are close by and not with someone else or far away" or something of that type of message. i immediately rose from my tornado-position-esque huddle/crouch a-la-the-bus-stop, and sauntered on home. i couldnt walk properly due to my 4 pants i had worn to try and stay warm, (spoiler alert- i dindt wear gloves, it didnt matter) and for about 5 hours have been sitting in darkened silence with the most negative creature on planet earth cussing and huffing and puffing away, all night long.

the worst part is that i love him. i love him and i am watching in real time just how exactly true the statement "familiarity breeds contempt" is. sigh. it didnt have to be this way. too bad i can only control myself, and nobody else. nobody owes me anything. nobody owes me anything. nobody owes me anything. repeat.

i probably sound really annoying. god, even my past 3 journals have been purely composed of this exactly- just me whining and bitching and moaning because i keep trying to change things that seemingly cannot be changed. forget me. go to sleep.

ホワイト//БЕЛЫЙ//أبيض

..........

my laptop finally turbed back on. its been a week. i thought it was done for.

it is a yoga 11e, lenovo. the charger port is the problem. not the charger, as i am using a brand new replacement right now. something about the port is awry, crooked or something, and takes a great deal of messing-with to get it to actually begin to charge, and even more to hold one. it has been charging steady for well over 3 hours now, though, all throughout my intense typing, which rocks the computer back and forth rather violently. color me impressed. im happy. it is real difficult trying to execute my typical schizophrenic and manic workflow through the confines of my iphone se. i need to play morrowind. i need to go to asheville. i need to steal a car so i can regain my autonomy.

PS

if anyone of you reading this can help me conceptualize/point me in the right direction of any sort of way (legal, moral, or otherwise) that i can make money online- please, do so immediately. gaining money is also on my list of quests tht are necessary for the regaining of my total and undeniably godlike autonomy, it is imperative, please share your knowledge if so.

may you float endlessly through fields of silken dandelions and soft molten chrome liquid that is warm but doesnt burn

sweet dreams

-lusynth