Journal #20

Goodness I should be in bed, but I was and then I started to think so ferociously it ached. I saw him like a post on lost love and it all just hit me. You see, he's still very much grieving his last relationship. He'll tell me he's alright, but he thinks of her still when he's drunk and won't call me by the girlfriend title still, though that is what I am to him he says. And it just - I don't know. I'm never going to leave him. He was so afraid of even the possibility, he pushed me away at first. And I don't blame him. Seven years is a good chunk of his life. Nearly half. And I guess it just hurt me. 

I have an awful tendency of clinging to people if I fear I could lose them. I'll do anything they want me to even if I disagree with it. That was then though. I'm going to try and prevent that from happening again. Contrarily, he pushes people he doesn't want to lose away. Not enough to where he could actually lose them, but at an arms length. He tells me sometimes that he doesn't care about people, but when he's drunk he'll tell me he loves parts about me I never knew about and he'll go off about how he misses everyone. He'll curse their name, but he doesn't realize he still needs to say it in order to. 

I think though, for a time when my mental health dipped greatly, that he really truly did fall out of love with me because I could not take care of myself right anymore. The lust never left, but I was very aware he didn't love me. I think I'm scared that that'll happen again. What if he falls out of love with me for one reason or another? What if all my shortcomings drive him away? What if he starts seeing me how I see myself? Or how my parents see me? Or how everyone else sees me? What if he lets me go again? I really don't blame him. For falling out of love with me, I mean. I was pretty miserable to be around. I let loneliness eat me alive and sacrificed myself when he didn't want me to. My biggest fear is letting that happen again. So for the life of me I cannot let myself go back to that dark, self-pity riddled, horrible space. 

I don't know I just needed to type to get my mind off of crying.