Journal #19

Last night, me and my boyfriend were talking about this idea he had. The gist of it was hosting some sort of event that had board games and such to play. He started on a question, but no sooner interrupted it with "Wait, you wouldn't know what girls like." While he was completely right and does similarly struggle with figuring out what other men like, it got me thinking about my very odd, nearly nonexistent relationship with gender. 

I think I've written on here before on how I've never really given it too much thought, but I'm very comfortable with the female identity I was born with. However, I don't particularly feel like a woman. I just feel like myself. Things that are stereotypically girly don't interest me whatsoever. Makeup, celebrities, gossip, etc. just disinterest me. No hate to girls who do enjoy it though, more power to you. I just tend to gravitate towards things guys enjoy even though I don't really see them as masculine. Things like anime, manga collecting, playing eroge games (back in high school), or being into video games in general. I guess it's more normalized to enjoy things like that regardless of gender so that's cool. But I also like plushies, littlest pet shop, and my little pony. Hell, my whole room's the color pink. However, I often fail to connect to women my age and it's been this way since high school. As a kid it was easier because I'd just play tag or ponies with other girls when the guy I was friends with went off to play kickball with the other guys. But I was never really a permanent part of a girl group until eighth grade when I became friends with two other weird girls. We were kind of the outcasted anime enjoyers/artists so even then it wasn't like we did each other's makeup or really cared about anything outside of tumblr culture. 

I honestly don't know. I am a girl, but in the way a tomato is a fruit. It's got seeds and everything it needs to be a fruit, but you'd never typically put it in a smoothie with apples and bananas. It pairs better with carrots in a smoothie if anything. I think that's one of (the plethora of) reasons I like my boyfriend. Like I mentioned, he's the opposite of me in the sense that he gets along better with girls as opposed to guys. He's also more feminine in some aspects where I'm more masculine such as general behavior. When I'm with him, I feel comfortable to speak however I like and he likes to come off as well mannered to other people where I don't care to impress them. 

As I've gotten older though, I dislike speaking with guys as they typically lust after me even when I've established that I'm only looking for something platonic. This happened with my ex and every guy I've tried to befriend since (my boyfriend was an exception ofc I wouldn't settle for the same thing twice and he's always seen me as a person first and foremost). I'm not saying it's wrong for guys to have crushes, but there's something off if you're confessing your undying love for me before you know my name. I don't go out of my way to talk to anyone period, so this only happens on the rare occasion a guy finds me attractive or easy looking enough to approach me. I'm honestly tired of being nice to men who talk to me for my number and saying "I have a boyfriend" doesn't seem to do the trick anymore so I think I might have to resort to being blunt and rude which I will gladly do if it's a means of protection.